My last blog, I introduced everyone to Borderline Personality disorder (BPD). BPD is different from Bipolar disorder in that bipolar causes severe mood swings. BPD causes mood lability. People with BPD feel, think, empathize, behave, and relate differently. BPD is also now called emotionally unstable personality disorder (EUPD). It is considered the most painful and difficult to treat mental illness. Many therapist prefer not to treat patients with BPD because they are perceived to be difficult. Suicidal ideations are most common in patients with BPD. I have attached an article below stating over 75% of people with BPD will make at least one suicide attempt in their lifetime.
I left my last blog off where I had taken an entire bottle of Tylenol out of spite while my current boyfriend at the time watched me. For simplicity purposes, we're calling him SOB. I'm now in the hospital. Now remember, I am currently not living with either parent. I am living in an apartment with a roommate. My mom is at dinner with her 3rd (and 4th) husband. She married him the 1st time while I was in high school. I despised this man. I'm not even sure despised is a strong enough word. I'm not sure why they divorced the 1st time but I'm sure somehow it was my fault. I knew this man from my high school days. He was divorced and had 3 children in the same school system I was in. One of his children was in my graduating class. I didn't have anything against his children. I just didn't like him. He was always at the school talking to the coaches about how great his children were at sports. He never had a full time job. He did odd jobs to get by. He had a very loud mouth and knew everything about everything. I'm sure you know the type. Moving on, this was the 2nd time she had married him. The 1st time I found out she was marrying him is when I moved from her house to Alex's.
This was in 1990 I think. It was before cell phones. Alex had moved from Hoover to North of Birmingham and had a house on Smith Lake. My apartment was in Hoover. I went to a local hospital in Birmingham that was preferred by my insurance after the tylenol incident. I was much closer to my mom geographically speaking than I was Alex. I called and tracked her down at a restaurant. I told her the situation and she became mad at me. I don't remember the exact words that were said. What I do remember is that she didn't come to the hospital at all. I was not required to spend time in the psych ward like most "overdose" patients. I think the staff believed me when I said I truly wasn't trying to kill myself. I really just wanted to know if SOB would stop me. Alex came and picked me up from the hospital. He was not very happy I called my mom before I had called him. I tried to explain I was much closer to her in proximity but he wasn't hearing it. He felt as if he provided my health insurance, he should have been notified first. He decided it wouldn't be a good idea for me to keep living in the apartment. I was told I couldn't date SOB anymore.
I had enrolled in Jefferson State Community College after I came home from Auburn. I was accepted into nursing school. It was about an hours drive from the lake house to Jeff State but it was doable.
Yep, you guessed it. SOB went to Jeff State as well. There are several campuses now, but at that time there was only the one campus. I found myself parking close to his car and before I knew it, we were sneaking around and dating again. Yes, I was young and stupid. Things at first were better, but that was short lived. I was honestly struggling in all aspects of my life. Alex was very strict about everything. Mother was still married to her loud mouth ass. Nursing school was hard. I was working basically full time hours at Carraway Methodist Medical Center as a nursing assistant after school from 3pm-11pm. That hour drive home after work and being at school all day just to get up and do it again was wearing me out.
When I was working at Carraway, later in my years of nursing, I would fill in as the bronchoscopy nurse. The pulmonary docs did the bronchs but the RN managed the conscious sedation. I learned quickly that Versed is like truth serum. I would go pick the patient up and while taking the patient to the procedure room, I would drop their driver off / loved one in the designated waiting room. Most of the time it was a close family member. I heard lots of "I love you's" and "hurry back". As soon as the versed was pushed, I heard things about said loving family member that burned my ears! I never knew a little old precious man who called his wife sweet cheeks could be sedated and immediately start referring to her as the f-ing devil! I wish I would've known the effects of Versed before I had my wisdom teeth cut out with versed as my sedation and Alex as my driver. I've never been one to stay quiet but I was a huge blabber mouth and told him all about dating SOB again. Needless to say, when the sedation wore off, it wasn't a happy time for me.
I went to live with my mom and ass. Before my mom let me live with her, we had a heart to heart. She made me promise I would be on my best behavior around ass. I promised I would play nice. I knew I only had a year and I would be self sufficient. I wouldn't have to depend on anyone ever again (or so I thought). My mom and ass had moved from Gardendale to be closer to the rest of her family. To my surprise, I was getting along with ass and it wasn't turning my soul black and necrotic. I saw an outfit one night in a magazine and I showed it to my mom. I think I was hinting to get it as a gift. Anyway, ass asked to see it. The next day while my mom was at work, I was at home with ass. I think I was off work that afternoon. I went to show it to him and he turned into a slimy, dirty old man. He started rubbing my shoulders and telling me he would buy me the outfit, but he would expect things back in return. I have tried to forget everything he said but I'll never forget him telling me he had needs my mom couldn't fulfill because she was too overweight.
I immediately left and went to a relatives house where I knew I would be safe. The parents weren't home but a child my age was there so I wasn't alone. I immediately called one of the relatives of the house I was in and explained what had happened. She came home ASAP to calm me down from hysteria. She encouraged me to call my mom and ask her to come by before she went home to her house. My mom did come by and I told her what had transpired. I expected a big hug and for her to say something along the lines of, I'm so sorry, I'm going to kill him. I was sadly mistaken. She asked my why she should believe me. She said I had never liked him and I could be making this up to get rid of him. I was so pissed at her. She finally told me I needed to come home and confront him in front of her to prove it really happened. She said she would go first and act like she didn't know anything about it. I followed suit and went into the house. My mom was in her fantasy land and asked how my day was. I told her it sucked. She asked why and I told her to ask ass. Ass then jumped up and grabbed a baseball bat he had behind his recliner. He chased me out of the house and to a neighboring relatives house. One of my uncles was outside. I ran to him. He is very much the strong, silent type. He reminds me a lot of Perry. He looked at ass and told him if he took one more step, he would kill him. Ass tucked his tail between his legs and went back home.
I called Alex to come and get me. Once again, I was a pawn and I couldn't take the car my mom had bought if I wasn't going to live there. We drove from Tuscaloosa County to Smith Lake in total silence. The only thing Alex said to me was he loved me. Shortly after that, he took me and I bought my first car of my own. It was a 1990 White Chevy Cavalier . It was as base as a car could be. No power windows or locks. No power steering. Manual transmission. My payment was low. I could manage it and no one could take my car away anymore. I thought things might get better, but they didn't. It had been a few weeks since the incident with ass. I hadn't heard from my mom. I tried calling her a few times but when ass would answer, he would hang up on me. I would try to call her at work and she would say she was too busy to talk and not to call her at work again. I would call her from the hospital in the evenings, but when she would answer, she would say I had the wrong # and hang up on me. Several times she told me to stop calling her. I couldn't believe my own mother wasn't willing to talk to me.
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