When I left off my last blog, Perry and I had just moved from Gardendale to Hoover. It was April of 2013. I was working three 12-hour night shifts in CCU at Brookwood Hospital. It was horrible! Honestly, one of the worst jobs I've ever had. I had been in survival mode for six months waiting until I was allowed to transfer to a different unit. Finally, the time had come!
I initially applied to the cardiac cath lab. I knew hearts well. I had worked in CCU at Carraway prior to my CCU days at Brookwood (AKA Hell on the hill). I also had some open-heart experience from Carraway. I REALLY wanted to transfer to the cath lab because that is where Kay worked. I needed my daily dose of Kay.
The manager of the cath lab didn't know about my suicide attempt; however, she knew about the blood clots in my lungs. She also knew I required emergency surgery after having a heart cath. She asked me if I thought I could stand wearing a lead apron all day without any issues. I gave her an honest answer and told her no. She recommended pre-op / pacu for me. She had worked these departments before and said it was a great job. She then set-up an interview for me with management in pre-op / pacu of the Women's Center at Brookwood. This actually was a great place for me to work. Years before, I had worked in an OB / GYN office so I was familiar with some of the procedures. I transferred to a flex position (only working when needed) working 12-hour day shifts on Thursday and Friday in Women's pre-op / pacu.
I could finally breathe easier. We were still struggling to get custody of our boys, but Sam had expressed interest in coming back home. I now had a job I liked. Most importantly, Perry and I were back together living in a new city. I had even gone back to school and was finishing my bachelor's degree (BSN). Things were going well, until they weren't.......
I remember sitting at the desk in our house working on a paper I had to write for school. My cell phone rang and it was a number I didn't recognize with a 334 area code. My dad lives in South Alabama so I answered thinking it might be a call about him. I hear a man identify himself as being from the Alabama Board of Nursing (ABN). He proceeds to tell me the ABN had received an anonymous letter regarding my suicide attempt. I was now being investigated by the ABN. I was in disbelief. I was required to write a letter of explanation to the ABN. I also had to sign for my medical records to be sent to them. I was required to have someone in a supervisory role write a letter about my current work abilities, which meant telling one of the charge nurses the whole ugly story. I was re-living it all once more.
As for Sam, we fought to keep him in Gardendale for his senior year, but the Governor wanted him to transfer to either the city school they were zoned for, or attend a private school. Sam opted to attend Bessemer Academy which is a private school located about 15 minutes from our house in Hoover. One day after school, Sam came by to see our new house without the Governor's permission. We still were under supervised visitation and communication orders. Honestly, we didn't think the Governor would ever find out since Sam was with his friend at the time. Surprise: we got caught! Sam's friend told his mom about our house. She didn't know about our restrictions. In conversation, she mentioned our house to the Governor. Sam was then confronted and admitted he wanted to come home. After this day, Sam's life changed for the worse. We would receive calls from Sam while he was at school. He would call from his friends phones and the school phone. The Governor refused to give him money for food and gas once he asked to move back with us. We took money to the school for him. We had another court date soon and knew Sam had plans to speak with the judge. We were trying to hold on and play by the rules in hopes of Sam coming home.
This stress seemed to trigger other events for me as well. I started to notice EVERY. LITTLE. THING. I had a co-worker who had worked there many years who was very proficient at her job. I struggled with getting my patients out on time. I was accused of "holding" my patients so I didn't have to accept new ones. We both had to have a meeting with the charge nurses one day after a big blow up. I can also recall sitting in the break room one day at lunch as one of the OR nurses walked through talking to someone else having a conversation about a mutual acquaintance of theirs. I don't know the situation, but I know I heard the OR nurse say the mom had lost custody of the children and what a piece of crap a mom has to be to lose custody. It was like a knife sticking in my heart. I was trying so hard to get myself back together but it seemed everywhere I turned, something else was coming at me.
But, just when you think the rain will never stop, it does and you see a gorgeous rainbow! Right after Sam graduated from Bessemer Academy, we went to a court mandated custody hearing. The judge ruled Sam could decide where he wanted to live! It was with us! As I type this, I still have tears of happiness streaming down my face. It had been the longest 10 months of my life without either of my boys, but Sambo was coming back home!
My life was far from perfect. I was still being investigated by the board of nursing. We also were still being put through hell dealing with DHR and the court system trying to regain custody of Josh, who was now 16. When I found out I was being investigated by the ABN after having an unsuccessful suicide attempt and losing my dream job, I felt like I had been sucker punched. My point being, I still made it! I had to choose to focus on the positive of Sam coming home instead of the other negatives.
Now, don't think I did this on my own! I went to LOTS of therapy to train myself to think this way. If I'm being honest, I'm not always successful either. Hopefully this blog will help us all remember to not only focus on the positives, but be a little kinder to others. The struggles we face are all different, but we ALL struggle with something. This I am 100% sure of.
As for the ABN, it took them over a year to finish the investigation. I was found not guilty of violating any nurse practice acts. The ruling I received stated I was not currently working when I overdosed. I did not overdose on any controlled or illegal substance. They encouraged me to get psychiatric help, which I was already doing.
According to the Mayo Clinic, it is possible to retrain ourselves to change negative thinking into positive thinking, if we identify the top areas to change. They suggest starting with one area that needs improvement, do periodic checks during the day and be open to humor.
Verywellmind.com states in The Benefits of Positive Thinking for Body and Mind, researchers found that activation in brain areas associated with negative emotions led to a weaker immune response to a flu vaccine. It also continues to say not only can positive thinking impact your ability to cope with stress and your immunity, but it also has an impact on your overall well-being, including a reduced risk of death from cardiovascular problems, less depression, and an increased lifespan.
According to WebMD the benefits of positive thinking are:
Physical - Longer life span
Lower chance of a heart attack
Better physical health
Greater resistance to illness such as the common cold
Lower blood pressure
Better stress management
Better pain tolerance
Mental - More Creativity
Greater problem-solving skill
Clearer thinking
Better mood
Better coping skills
Less depression
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