I want to start off by apologizing. I am sorry it has been two months since I have blogged. Some of it has been life. Some of it was the emotional toll openly talking about my suicide attempt had on me. I honestly enjoy blogging and want to help others, I just need to do it in a healthy way and in my own time frame.
In the last blog, I left off after my suicide attempt. I was in ICU and very sick. When I tell you it is a miracle of God I am here today, believe me. I was on the ventilator, multiple IV drips to stabilize my vital signs, antibiotics to treat my aspiration pneumonia, and dialysis. My family did not come visit with the exception of the Governor, the one person I didn't want to see. My boys were not told about my attempt until much later. One miracle is I survived. The other miracle is I only spent four days in ICU. At times those days seem like an eternity. Other times they seem like a blur that went by in an instant.
There is one night in particular I remember like it was yesterday. It was a Sunday night. I had recently been extubated (taken off the ventilator), and was now able to talk. I was alone in my room and feeling a lot of different emotions. I was scared. I was disappointed. More than anything I was shattered.
Now, when I described the emotions I had above, I left out angry. I was angry at God. I was angry at the world. I didn't understand why my life had spiraled so quickly. In the past 10 months, I had remarried my Peebs. I went from being remarried to being separated and soon to be divorced again.
I went from being an athletic, running, healthy flight nurse to a girl who could hardly walk across the room without sounding like a freight train from breathing so hard. I went from someone who had manageable depression to uncontrollable depression. I went from someone who thought she was putting her family back together only to lose custody of her children. I went from feeling like the girl who had everything to the girl who had nothing.
This particular Sunday night, I don't remember the time, but I know it was getting fairly late. A young guy walked into my room and introduced himself. His name was Dr. Clayton Barhorst. He told me he was one of the physicians who worked on me the 1st night I came in. He had been off for a couple days and wanted to check on me. We talked for a few minutes. We talked about flight nursing. We talked about my family and his fiance. Most importantly, he asked if he could pray with me. This was the God wink I needed to let me know God had not left me. I have no doubt God sent Dr. Clayton Barhorst to me to remind me He was still in control.
The following day, I was transferred from ICU to the psych ward. Now, I'm kidding when I say that I was a padded room patient. I will never say I enjoyed my time there; however, I will say I left there much more appreciative than I arrived. There wasn't a padded room, but there were rules. No clothing or shoes with strings. You were only allowed to have your toiletries for 30 minutes per day in the am. Plastic utensils only. Groups and sharing weren't required, but if you wanted to be discharged, you had to show effort. I was at every group meeting sharing my heart out!
After being off work so long, I was scheduled to go back on Thursday, August 2nd. I was determined to get out and not let anyone at work know what I had done. I already had enough problems at work from my previous affair.
The few days I spent in the psych ward went by fairly quickly. I did group sessions during the day. Every evening, Kay and Perry visited me. At night, I would watch the Summer Olympics in the group room with the other patients. Dr. Barhorst saw me every day. He was my shining light. I was very honest with him about my fear of getting out in time so I could return to work. He always shared with me not only what the medical plan was, he would update me on what the plan was from the other treating services.
Thankfully, I only spent three days in the psych ward before I was discharged. I went home on Wednesday, July 31st, 2012. Due to Perry being my official next of kin, he was required to pick me up. The ride home was awkward to say the least. As soon as I was in the car, he told me he had some bad news. I couldn't imagine what else could possibly happen. He had made it clear while I was in the hospital, we would not be reconciling. He told me and the pastoral counselor, he loved me. He said he always had and always would. He just stated he didn't think he could move past everything that had happened and all of the drama. I was devastated. I couldn't even comprehend the humiliation I was going to experience when everyone found out our attempt at reconciliation / remarriage failed. I couldn't imagine life without Perry again.
Perry went ahead and ripped the band aid off and told me the bad news. Prior to coming and picking me up from the hospital, a certified letter had been delivered to our house. The letter was from Lifesaver. I no longer had a job. The letter was very vague and simply stated it was their understanding I would no longer be able to perform the essential functions of my job. The writing on the wall was clear - someone had told Lifesaver about my suicide attempt. Just when I thought I couldn't get any lower, I realized there was one level beneath where I was.
The remaining time with Perry, we talked about our marriage and the resolution of it. He was very kind about it, although at the time, I had a very different opinion. He assured me there was no one else. He informed me he was not going to file for divorce because he knew I would need health insurance and wouldn't be able to obtain it until I was employed full time again. I once again felt as if I had nothing to live for, but I had made promises in the hospital to Kay and Deedee to NEVER attempt suicide again.
Kay came to our house to pick me up. I remember crying hysterically and telling her I had lost my job. To this day, I remember her looking at me straight in the eyes. She told me my only job was to come home with her and get well. She even let me bring my dog, Clara Bell. Clara Bell was my princess of a Weimaraner. Clara was a beautiful and sweet dog, but she was a little spoiled and neurotic. She didn't like getting her paws dirty so she pooped on Kay's deck. Kay didn't even fuss about that! As I've said before and will say until the day I die, everyone needs a Kay in their life.
For the next six months, I moved in with Kay and her daughter. I focused on myself and my physical and mental healing. As I became stronger, I began my job search. For the first time in history, there wasn't a nursing shortage and most hospitals wanted nurses with a BSN instead of an ADN. There were also red flags about hiring me because I had been off work since December of 2011.
Perry continued to be adamant about divorcing. At first, I wanted to make a deal with the devil and make it work no matter what. He once compared me to a computer pop up. He said I was like the box that kept asking "are you sure you want to close?". I tried to be strong, but sometimes Kay had to help. By help, I mean she had to take my phone away so I wouldn't call and beg him. She showed me love, including hard love. As time went on, my hurt turned into anger toward Perry. I started stopping by the house when I would be in the area and moving more clothes and personal belongings out. I also continued seeing him periodically at court when we had custody hearings for the boys.
I was hired in October of 2012 at Brookwood Medical Center in CCU working nights. I had finally quit harassing Perry. I almost had all of my things out of the house. I was in a much better place mentally. I had been going to counseling. I had also been to several classes for my borderline personality disorder that were court mandated in an effort to regain custody of our boys. I also had been attending a bible study with my friends. It was Beth Moore's "Breaking Free".
In January 2013, I stopped by the house to get the last of my things. I told Perry he could go ahead and file for divorce. I thought I would be strong enough now to handle things. I at least had my own health insurance. He told me then he had been having second thoughts. He said he had noticed all of the changes in me. Talk about confused!!! He mentioned possibly spending some time together again and 'dating'. I was against that idea. I felt as if dating was going to end up with us having sex and me feeling used. We agreed to start talking again.
By March, we decided to move back in together, but neither of us wanted to live in the same house in Gardendale. We started looking for houses in different areas. We ended up in Hoover, It was a central location for where we both worked. We moved into our Hoover home in April 2013. Things were finally starting to look up for me again.
As a side note, I want you to know I have obtained permission from Dr. Barhorst to use his name and tell my story. I remembered him telling me his plan after his year at Trinity was to do an anesthesia rotation at UAB. Years later as I was working at UAB, I pulled up the paging system and saw his name. I paged him to the dept I was working in. He answered. I asked if he remembered me and he said very well. When he had a break, he came to the department where I was working. I was able to see and talk to him again. I was able to tell him the impact he had made on my life by praying with me that night. We talked about his future plans with his wife. I updated him on my home situation. He was very happy for me. I have no doubt he is still praying with and impacting his patients at his current location.
BELOW INFORMATION COPIED FROM SUICIDE CALL BACK SERVICE
Supporting someone: Common feelings and reactions after a suicide attempt
Anger: How could they do this to us?
Shame: I have to keep this secret
Guilt: Didn’t I love/watch/listen to them enough?
Fear: Will they try again?
Avoidance: If we pretend this didn’t happen, it will go away.
Minimisation: They are just trying to get attention.
Cutting off: This is not my problem someone else can deal with it.
Unhelpful reactions to a suicide attempt
It is important for you to be aware of your own feelings, and avoid reacting in ways that could block communication or cause your loved one to react angrily or withdraw. Unhelpful responses include:
Panicking: “This can’t be happening. I don’t know what do we do?”
Name-calling: “You’re a real psycho.”
Criticising: “That was such a stupid thing to do.”
Preaching or lecturing: “You know you shouldn’t have done that; you should’ve asked for help.”
Ignoring: “If I just pretend this didn’t happen, it’ll go away.”
Abandoning the person: “I can’t take this, I have to leave.”
Punishing the person: “I’m not talking to them until they straighten themselves out.”
Dramatising: “This is the worst possible thing you could have done!”
Simplifying things or using a ‘quick-fix’ approach: “You just need some medication, and then you’ll feel yourself again.”
Being angry or offended: “I can’t believe you’d try that!”
Making the person feel guilty or selfish: “How did you think this would make me feel?”
What to say to someone who has attempted suicide
Often people report that they find it difficult to support someone who has attempted suicide because they feel they don’t know what to say.
It can be hard to find the right words when you’re feeling overwhelmed and emotional yourself.
Create a safe space, where the person feels loved, cared about, accepted, supported and understood. Letting the person know you support them, and asking open-ended questions, can help to open the lines of communication. The following suggestions may serve as prompts:
I’m sorry you’ve been feeling so awful. I’m so glad you’re still here.
I’m here for you. Remember that you can always talk to me if you need to.
I want to help you. Tell me what I can do to support you.
Supporting someone who has attempted suicide: What to say
Be available and let the person know you will listen. It is vital to create a ‘safe space’ for the person to talk, this helps to build or re-establish trust between you and the person you are concerned about.
Try to understand the feelings and perspective of the person before exploring solutions together.
It may be advisable to remove possible means to suicide, including drugs and alcohol, to keep the person safe.
Support the person in exploring and developing realistic plans and solutions to deal with their emotional pain. In order to let go of suicide as a solution, they will need to see real changes in their life. It is usually a case of making small steps in the beginning, as the person’s difficulties haven’t been created overnight.
It is important for the suicidal person to assume as much responsibility as possible for their own welfare as they are capable of at that time. This might be difficult for you to consider, as you might not feel able to trust your loved one at the moment.
Enlist the help of others and make sure you get family and friends to assist you in supporting the person.
Remember that you do not have to fill the role of counsellor, psychiatrist or doctor yourself. Encourage your loved one to utilise the professional supports available to them.
Consider assisting the person to write a safety plan that will detail the steps they need to take to keep themselves safe if they feel suicidal. Having a concrete plan in place may help both of you feel more prepared and in control about the possibility of future suicidal thoughts.
Telling other people about the suicide attempt
Unfortunately, there is still a degree of stigma surrounding suicide. This may make it difficult to talk about your loved one’s suicide attempt, as you may fear that you or they will be judged or criticised.
It is important to remember that it is up to you who you choose to tell about the situation, and how much you reveal to them.
You may find it helpful to prepare something to say when asked about the suicide attempt, such as a simple: ‘yes, it’s a difficult time for us, but we’re getting him/her the support he/she needs.’
Speaking to people who have also been in similar situations, through a carers support group, may offer you a source of non-judgemental support and understanding.
Looking after yourself
Supporting someone who has attempted suicide can be emotionally draining, stressful and exhausting. It is impossible to watch over someone 24/7.
It is vital that you look after yourself and get the support you need. This is not something you need to deal with alone.
Ensure you have adequate support systems in place yourself and identify trusted family members or friends that you can talk to. Look at identifying a local support group.
If you are finding it difficult to deal with the strain of the situation, you may also wish to consider counselling or other professional support for yourself.
In an emergency
If you are with someone who is in immediate danger, or concerned for their safety in any way:
Call 911 and request an ambulance. Stay on the line, speak clearly, and be ready to answer the operator’s questions
Visit your local hospital’s emergency department.
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