I went from doubting my abilities to be a flight nurse, to reassuring myself flight nursing was my calling. Yes, I saw some really sad things. Unfortunately, that had always been part of nursing. I tried to focus on the benefits of the job, such as watching the sunset / sunrise from the helipad. I had become much more at ease when it came to facing the unknown on scene flights. CC was my security blanket.
I worked with CC on Valentine's day, 2008. He came in late because he usually worked his fire department shift prior to working at Lifesaver. He was in a great mood. I had his gifts waiting for him at the base. For his Valentine's gift, I had a card, candy, and a Build-a-Bear dressed in turnout gear. Shortly after he received his gifts, a delivery came for me. It was a dozen red roses I looked at the card and it read, "Happy Valentine's day!". They were from CCNA. That wiped the smile right off his face. I spent several hours talking to him explaining it didn't mean anything. A couple of hours later, one of our frequent visitors at Lifesaver came in carrying a dozen red roses. He told me he had found them downstairs with my name on them. CC perked back up, He was still frustrated the other roses were delivered first. When I returned home the following day from work, I had another dozen red roses at my house from Perry waiting on me. As a side note on Perry - Since 1992, there hasn't been a Valentine's day I haven't received a dozen roses from him. This is true even in the two years we were divorced. In the beginning, I would receive pink and white roses because my wedding bouquet was made of pink and white roses. According to fiftyflowers.com, pink roses symbolize elegance and sweetness, while white roses symbolize purity and innocence. No wonder he changed to red! The red rose symbolizes true love, romance, and passion.
I met CC in October, 2007. We were involved by January, 2008. We were both very jealous of each other. The age difference was a constant issue for me. I was always afraid some prettier, younger, girl without a mom body was going to be swept off her feet by his Southern charm. I had seriously never felt worse about myself! I'm sure my low self-esteem resulted from my guilt of knowing what I was doing was wrong. I had such a low opinion of myself; yet, I required so much attention, I had become horribly self-destructive. The relationship with CC became very dysfunctional. My life was a cross between a Jerry Springer Episode and a Hallmark movie in which I was able to magically place a spell on men temporarily. My jealousy became much worse after my separation from Perry. Once CCNA and I completely quit talking, I really went psychotic with my jealousy. I felt like I was winging it without a safety net. My basket had gone from three eggs to one egg. I was really hoping CC was the golden egg.
Now we could be together, we were not be able to get on the same page about anything. He was very jealous. He knew I had a history of not being faithful. For the first time in my life, I was trying to truly make a conscious effort not to flirt or act inappropriate in any way. No matter what I did, I seemed to make CC mad with silly, insignificant things. One example that comes to mind is when I brought some swimsuits that had been ordered to the base with me. CC had picked them out. I don't remember if he bought them or I did. Regardless, I was excited they had been delivered and wanted to show him. As always, he was late arriving for the Lifesaver shift. I showed them to another staff member still at the base who was male, but was treated as if he was one of the girls. I tried them on for the 1st time in front of the other male staff member. When CC came in, I put the swimsuits back on so he could see them. He didn't look like he liked them. I asked later if he wanted me to return them. His reply was no. He did tell me he was upset I had "modeled" them for another male. I was shocked he was jealous of something as innocent as trying on a swimsuit for one of OUR friends who was rumored to be gay.
Pictured below in two of the swimsuits with Josh. Gulf Shores and on a cruise to Mexico with CC.
I was really struggling more with getting divorced than I wanted to admit. I felt like a failure. I would cringe when I would hear the garage door open and know it was Perry coming home before we filed for divorce. After we filed, the house seemed way too quiet. I seemed lost with my boys. The whole separation process had been very eye opening to me. Perry had ALWAYS, NO QUESTIONS ASKED, WITHOUT A DOUBT, been my go to. I could call him for anything. Even after we separated, I could call if I needed something and it was done. He would continue to mow the yard for me. He would clean the pool and put chemicals in it and the hot tub. If something broke, he fixed it. I think in my delusional mind, I was going to have CC to give me all the attention I wanted and still have Perry to depend upon. I found out quickly when I called Perry one day for something and couldn't get in touch with him, it really wasn't going to work out quite the way I thought. When I finally did get in touch with him, he was on a date! To make matters worse, the date was at an Alabama football game! I didn't even know this man anymore!
As with Perry, my jealousy was mostly about the girls in CC's past. I was so busy comparing myself to them, I wasn't looking at what was right in front of me. I suppose in my mind, I thought we spent enough time together when he wasn't at the fire station, I knew what he was doing. He was very family oriented and often spent time with his father who had declining health. I remember the 1st big fight I had with CC about my jealousy came around Christmas time in 2008. Perry and I had filed for divorce. CC and I were going on official dates now. He invited me to his Fire department Christmas party. I hadn't met any of his friends since most of our time spent together occured at work. I was very nervous! CC's best friend was bringing someone new to the party. He met her on MySpace and wanted to know what CC thought of her. For those of you who don't know, MySpace was an early social network site. Think of it as Facebook, circa 2005. We went to the Christmas party which was really a Christmas dinner at one of the fire stations. I left in tears. I was so upset! We fought the entire rest of the night. He said I acted horrible. I said he didn't talk to me. He was more interested in talking to MySpace girl. In all honesty, he did talk to her more than usual, but she was gorgeous and I didn't like that at all. My insecurity sensors were going off like fireworks on the 4th of July. As the fight continued, he assured me he wasn't interested in her for himself. He was only interested in her for his best friend to make sure she would be a good fit for him. I remember being sarcastic and asking CC if they were gay because he seemed to care more about his friend than he did me. CC told me his friend is who would have his back in the case of a burning building and I needed to understand. I ended up crying and he ended up holding me asking me what in my past had caused me so much hurt for me to always come out swinging. I remember it like it was yesterday....I cried all night and he repeatedly told me he wasn't going to hurt me. He promised we would be together forever.
About this time CC transferred to a different Lifesaver base. He was approached by the Regional manager and "asked" about a transfer. This transfer was presented to him as something he needed to do so we could be together. Since it was common knowledge we were now a couple, CC was told one of us would eventually have to transfer if we were to make it official. Now, I know this sounds like it was a good plan for our future, but it had nothing to do with us. It was all to accommodate two other flight crew members. Before mine or CC's hire date, there had been another affair at one of the other bases. The husband of the female crew member overheard a phone conversation. He not only learned of his wife's affair, he learned of another affair taking place at this base. The male crew member caught cheating by the female crew members husband transferred to another base out of state. To my understanding, the base he transferred to was being closed by the company and this male crew member needed a base to return to in Alabama. The Regional Manager knew of the controversy created by the husband catching them in an affair and knew returning the male back to his original base wasn't an option. Transferring CC had nothing to do with our future. It had everything to do with finding a place for a male crew member who couldn't return to his base because of his infidelities.
CC and I celebrated Christmas together a little early due to work schedules and family plans. We had a good night together. I can't remember a single gift I bought him. I remember several he bought me. One was a pink punching bag and pink boxing gloves so I could work on getting out some of my aggression. I guess that should've been my sign. He bought me diamond earrings. He bought me tickets to a Bon Jovi concert in Atlanta. Sadly, we fought on the way over there because I was listening to Bon Jovi's newest CD singing along to one of their songs named 'I Love this Town'. I was so excited about the concert, but me singing the lyrics to that song made him jealous. CC knew CCNA and I had met in Atlanta several times. He thought I had love for Atlanta because of CCNA, not because of Bon Jovi. Now, I mentioned in my introduction one of my names is reformed slut. I say this because I have gotten my act together and no longer require validation outside of Perry.
I must say this - reformed slut or not, I would participate in outside validation with Bon Jovi and Luke Bryan with Perry watching if given the opportunity! I think I'm going to talk to Peebs about adding Bryan Harsin to the list as well!
In all seriousness, Christmas cheer didn't last long between me and CC. Christmas with the boys was a nightmare. Perry and I had agreed to do things together as we always had. When we allowed the boys to open presents, Perry brought in extra presents I didn't know he had purchased. I'm pretty sure the night ended with me and the boys crying while something magically flew through the air at Perry's head. This was my first serious out of control spiral when I truly thought about harming myself. I couldn't get out of bed. I didn't care about anything. I really didn't have a set plan, but I knew I no longer wanted to live. I felt like such a trainwreck. On New Year's eve, CC came to my house. I was still in bed. We had been arguing. He came in my house long enough to break up with me, take back the diamond earrings, and leave. I actually don't remember much of it all because I was so detached and depressed. I remember calling my sister and asking her to take me to the hospital. She came and picked me up. I told her I couldn't go anywhere in Birmingham because I knew so many of the staff in those emergency department's due to working for Lifesaver. She drove me to Huntsville Hospital. I was admitted to the psych ward for suicidal ideations. I now had papers. I was a pedigree mental health patient.
September is suicide awareness month. Please educate yourself on the warning signs and resources available. We are all struggling in some way. You never know who might be struggling with depression and losing the battle.
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