This is going to be a long blog I'm afraid. I might actually have to do 2-3 blogs on Borderline personality disorder (BPD). The biggest problem I have found in researching BPD is little is truly known about it. On the click me button above, I have linked some information from the National Institute of Mental Health. If you read the above poem from the top down, and then from the bottom up, you will get a sense of what it feels like to be me. It was originally thought BPD was a result of trauma. Experts now think the development of BPD is a combination of your environment, genetics, and biological make-up. In the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, 5th edition, it states that diagnosis can be as early as 12 years old, but is more likely seen in late adolescence or early adulthood.
I had no idea what was going on with me my senior year and right after graduation. Perry had started dating another girl pretty seriously. As he recently joked at our 30 year high school reunion, he had a rotation. I was bothered by it but I had a different, older boyfriend I had met in my new city. I was living with Alex, his new wife, and her daughter across town in Hoover. I didn't want to change High schools my senior year so I drove about 20 miles to school. My new boyfriend was 21 and had gone to middle school with my sister before we moved to Gardendale. We dated for 9 months. Right as time for prom came, he broke up with me. We got along great, but because of the age difference, he wanted someone who could go to bars and a 18 year old wasn't going to work. I once again started keeping my eye on Perry. His relationship with his serious girlfriend had gotten to where it was as much off as it was on. A few weeks after graduation, Perry called and asked me to meet him at the playground. He pushed me on the swings. We kissed in his 69 Firebird. For those of you dirty minded folks, that is all we did. Strangely enough, Perry and I had both been sexually active with others but we NEVER were sexually active with each other until after we were engaged. We talked. He told me he was going to his dad's in Florida for a month, but would be back in the fall. He said we would make everything work then. In my mind, I had a boyfriend for the next month.
I had a job that summer lifeguarding at Oak Mountain State Park. They had a man made Beach area by the lake. It was a perfect job for me because I love being outside in the sun. One weekend, Oak Mtn. was hosting a ski tournament. There were people everywhere. I ran into a guy I had known since I was a child. He lived in the area my grandparents and several of my family members lived. He was competing in the ski tournament. As we were heavily flirting with each other and planning when we were going to get together, a girl walked up and asked him who I was. He introduced her as his girlfriend. My old acquaintance told his girlfriend he was going to set me up with a friend of his who recently had gone through a breakup. I stood there in shock. She believed him and they walked off hand in hand.
A few days later, I received a call from his friend. We'll call him SOB. SOB was a spoiled rich kid who graduated from Vestavia Hills. His first car was a Corvette. For graduation, he was given a Mustang 5.0. I agreed to go out with him. It had been well over a month since I had been at the playground with Perry and I had not heard a word from him. My 1st date with SOB was to Fudpuckers. I really didn't even have a good time. He resembled Shoney's big boy and his ego was as big as his body. I have no idea why I even agreed to a 2nd date. Then I agreed to a 3rd date, then a 4th, etc. Before I knew it, I was in a relationship with SOB. Sadly, I was never attracted to him. I never had an intellectual conversation with him. I was certainly never treated with respect by him.
The fall of 1988, I went to Auburn University. I had a roommate that I worked with while I lived in Hoover. One of my best friends from High school lived one building over from me in what we referred to as the CDV projects. I met several new people and I was making friends. I wasn't the party girl type so I didn't understand why SOB was always so jealous. At this point in my life, I had not turned into a slut yet either. I was so relieved to be away from him, but I continued to let him torment me. It's like I was scared to be without a boyfriend. One weekend, I came home to see him. We decided to go to the State Fair. It was Midnight Madness. As we went through the gate, I saw two familiar faces. It was Perry and his on again / off again girlfriend. I spoke and was hit with a huge surprise. Perry's girlfriend flashed up her left hand. It had an engagement ring on it! All I heard was, "look at what Perry bought me!" It was 3 1/2 years before I talked to Perry again.
I only stayed at Auburn for one semester (one of the biggest regrets of my life). There were multiple reasons, but I think the primary reason was for SOB. The crazy thing is I knew he was an ass and didn't even really like him, much less love him. As time went on, I despised him more and more. Sadly, the worse he treated me, the more I wanted to be with him. I felt like I deserved to be treated that way. If he ever threatened to break up with me, I became hysterical. About 1 1/2 years into the relationship, he started to hit me when we would get into arguments, which were often. He would get mad at everything. Looking back, it's a miracle I'm alive. I'm thankful God protected me. SOB rarely took me on real dates. His idea of dating was to street race and have me sit in the back seat for traction - all 100 pounds of me.
After I came home from Auburn, I didn't move back in with Alex or my mom. I initially moved in an apartment with my sister and a 3rd roommate. That arrangement didn't last very long because my sister became pregnant. The other roommate and I moved into another apartment. One night, SOB and I had gotten into a fight. I found out he had been unfaithful. This happened many times. I had been on the phone with him crying and screaming. I finally hung up on him and wouldn't answer the phone. My head was pounding from all of the crying and screaming. I went to take some Tylenol when there was a knock at the door. I opened the door to find SOB standing there. He saw the Tylenol bottle in my hand and asked if I was going to kill myself. I thought he would stop me if I acted like I was going to take the whole bottle, but I was wrong. My intent was never to hurt myself, much less kill myself. He walked away and left me in the apartment alone after he watched me take a full bottle of Tylenol. I called one of his friends who took me to the ED. I was admitted and treated for Tylenol toxicity. This relationship and crazy overdose that wasn't really an overdose were my 1st symptoms of borderline personality disorder. I just had no idea what it was.....
More to come on BPD in the next few blogs to follow.
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