I'm sure the question on everyone's mind is how did these two remarry and make it ten years so far, after everything they have been through? If you can figure it out, please let me know! Sometimes, I amaze myself! We often joke, the only way we have made it, is because Perry works such long hours and is on night shift. In all seriousness, it was not an easy road, but I wouldn't have wanted to navigate it with anyone else. As my Anniversary card said, love isn't about being perfect - it's about being perfect for each other. We made a mess multiple times, but now we are hopefully finding where we fit in together and how all the puzzle pieces fit perfectly.
It's 2010. After my arrest for verbal domestic violence, I was done with Perry and dating. I just wanted to focus on my boys and my job. Things with my family had been going downhill since the divorce. I was hurt and mad at everyone! Perry was at the top of the list for not being honest. I was most furious he had been exposing my boys to his affair. I was humiliated EVERYONE seemed to know except for me. I was mad because I had so much guilt for my affair. Perry was doing the same thing! I was SO TIRED of the war with his family! I was tired of the judgement from my family. I was hurt when I realized BB wasn't who I thought she was, which was my friend. All of this was draining. I certainly didn't have any coping skills, or a good way to learn any new ones. I had been fired from Dr. P, my psychiatrist. I honestly just wanted to be left alone in my misery.
I want to discuss my view of friendship before I go any further into the explanation of how we remarried. I've always heard friends come into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime. When I say the word friend in my upcoming story, I use the term very loosely. During this time frame, I enjoyed spending time with these 'friends'. What I have realized as I have matured is some friends grow with you. These are your friends for a lifetime. Some friends are only for a season. These are your friends you share common interest with; whether it be working out, children at the ballpark, similar career interest, shopping obsession, etc. Then there are friends for a reason. I would like to say these friends are put in your life to help you through a hard time. Unfortunately, I'm salty and I think these friends are put in your life to teach you lessons. Most of the time, these are the friends who grow away from you. In all honesty, most of them were never truly your friends at all.
Enter small button (SB). SB happened to be an acquaintance I knew of, but had never met. He was the boyfriend of a friend, or so called friend. His name is SB because as I found out, when naked, he resembled a fur coat with a very small button. Now, his girlfriend was someone I met through another friend. I don't have any hard feelings toward either of these ladies. I would say one was a friend for a reason, the other for a season. I'm not going to name them because they are truly insignificant in this storyline other than how I met SB.
I was at home one weekend in the summer of 2010. I received a private message from SB on facebook. I don't remember what the initial message was about. It was a general 'how are you?' type message. I did inquire about his relationship with my friend. He informed me they were no longer a couple. At this time, his former girlfriend and I were not really talking / seeing each other much anymore. I told him I was sorry to hear about the break up. He then proceeded to tell me how much his former girlfriend (and the girl I thought was my friend) despised me. He filled my ears full about things she had said about me. These weren't things I had done; these were things that attacked me as a person. Later as we continued messaging, he asked if I wanted to go to a party with him. I answered no. I was done with dating! I ended up going "as a friend". Somehow, I Marti'd that up! I drank too much, slept with him, and ended up dating him for several months.
There were no signs of intelligent life anywhere.....in myself or SB. My conduct was way below my intellect. He was emotionally, mentally, and physically draining. I finally broke up with him. I'm was so relieved. I realized I was grumpy and stress eating; however, it wasn't until about two weeks after breaking up with SB, I realized I hadn't had my menstrual cycle. Guess who was single and knocked up at 40? The first person I ran to was Perry. He was very Perry - like and assured me I was going to be okay. He promised to be there with me when I told the boys. He also promised to help me raise the baby in any way I needed help. I did call SB first and give him a chance to do the right thing. He denied being the father.
Perry was true to his word and we told the boys together I was going to have a baby. I was scared, single, and high risk, but I knew without a doubt, I was going to keep the baby. I had lived with the regret of having an abortion for over 20 years. I made a promise to myself and God to never make that choice again. One night as I was on a flight, I began to cramp and miscarry. I was hospitalized the following week for dehydration and required a D&C. I made the decision to forgive SB. I also made the decision to never reopen that chapter of my life.
Perry and I were civil to each other for the most part going forward, although I still had my moments. After I found out about DAN (diseased and nasty), I would torture myself by asking questions. I asked him what she had gotten him for Christmas. He told me she had purchased some Ray Ban sunglasses for him. One spring day, I went to pick the boys up from his house. As he came to the door, he had sunglasses on his hat. I saw the Ray Ban symbol and that was all I needed to see. In 0.1 second, those glasses were off his head and on the ground. Within 10 seconds, the glasses were in at least 10 different pieces. I'll never forget him asking me afterwards if I felt better. I gave him my best sweet, southern, sarcastic, smile and said, "Yes, thanks for asking".
I had sworn off men. My life was miserable, even without them. The war with Perry's family continued. I had little-to-no relationship with my family. I was getting text messages from an anonymous text site telling me things about Perry. One text message told me about a girl, I considered a friend, who had been sleeping with Perry. Another anonymous text told me Perry had a married woman in his car as he picked the boys up from my house one night. It was a very bad decision on Perry's part to bring a female to my house in the first place. I had already gone Beth Dutton on this girl in my driveway as she tried to tell me it was nice to meet me. I called and asked Perry if it was true about her being married. This girl, LB (lying bitch), gets on the phone and starts calling me "honey" and telling me to calm down because she is separated. That was a lie, hence the name lying bitch. My anonymous texter made sure I knew everything Perry did wrong. LB eventually did get separated. Her husband called me. I told him everything I knew. I met him one night at one of his friends houses. We had a great night as friends. This didn't turn into another SB. We basically bonded over our significant others having sex with each other. Perry and I may have been divorced, but he was always the one I considered to be my significant other.
I was so emotionally and mentally exhausted from all of the stress!
I was raising two teen boys = Stress
I was working as a flight nurse and dealing with some pretty horrific sights = Stress
I was dealing with Perry's lies because he would rather lie than face the truth = Stress
I was receiving anonymous text about Perry's lies = Stress
I was being harassed by Perry's family = Stress
I was being investigated by the Board of Nursing because of my arrest for verbal DV = Stress
I was having financial issues because of legal fees and because I am a shopaholic = Stress
I was struggling with self image because Perry was seeing others = Stress
I was torturing myself because I was living in the past = Stress
I was jealous of everyone he talked with = Stress
I was on the verge of a breakdown.
One day, I was trying to find Perry. I knew he was off work. He wasn't at his house. He wouldn't answer his phone. He always answered his phone unless he was at work. This came about from me spending a night with Josh in the ER, with a broken leg at Children's Hospital. I was unable to reach Perry for hours because he was somewhere he shouldn't have been with someone he shouldn't have been around. Since then, he answered his phone. This particular day, I had enough. I called LB at work and was told she was at lunch. I knew then, Perry was still seeing her and lying about it. Two hours later, when she returned from lunch, I had a chat on the phone with her. I told her Perry denied dating her. I also repeated a few other things he told me about her. She laughed and called me crazy and jealous. Maybe so, but I put her on hold and did a three way call with Perry. He had no idea she was listening. He hung himself! After she spoke up and Perry realized he was done, he hung up. She then told me how Perry constantly pursued her. She said she thought he was cocky and didn't want to date him, but did, so he would leave her alone. Perry's story is she private messaged him on Facebook. I think I successfully ended that relationship regardless of how it started.
I was mad at Perry after this stunt. I was determined to never date again! However, I caved one more time. This was a man I had known from Gardendale. We started talking on the phone some. I would always say no about meeting or going out. One night, I was having a hard time about all of the mistakes I had made. I was talking to him on the phone, mainly venting about my feelings of failure and insecurity. He told me if I continued to live in the past, I would never have a future. I let that sink in. I ended up at Waffle House with him until the next morning laughing and having a great time. We only dated a few months. In the end, he said he knew I was still in love with Perry. I wish nothing but the best for him. Perry and I have seen him around town several times and it is always very cordial.
I was finally not dating anyone. As far as I knew, Perry wasn't dating anyone either. The time was getting closer for Sam to turn 16. As his parents, Perry and I decided we would pick out his Jeep together. The more Jeeps we looked at for Sam, the more time we spent together and ended up eating dinner and hanging out again. We all went out together for Sam's 16th birthday in March of 2011. We did the same for Josh's 14th birthday in April of 2011. Once again, Perry had started coming over to the house and hanging out.
Perry always said we would get remarried, we just needed to get it together.
One day in May, after we played deal or no deal, Perry commented on getting back together. Patience may be a virtue, but it is one I do not possess. I gave him an ultimatum. I wasn't interested in dating anyone, but I wasn't sitting around for him to have a midlife crisis and then come home. After some alcohol and negotiating, we end up at Jeff Dennis Jewelry. He buys me a new ring, but makes it clear, it is a promise ring.
We had been getting along great but now, the head butting begins again. I wanted him to move back home. He wanted to stay in the house he was renting. I started to get jealous thinking he had to be up to something to want to stay in that house. He finally gave in and moved home with us in July of 2011. He didn't want to set a date for the "re-do" wedding but I did. Initially, we decided on our original anniversary, 3-21-12. As always, I wanted it then! I started mentioning to him if we get remarried before the end of the year, we get a tax break. I came up with all sorts of reasons why we should get remarried before March! Then, finally when I come up with the perfect date and time, 11*11*11 at 11, he agreed.
My anonymous texter made sure I knew everything about Perry! All I really wanted was my family back, and a second chance at making my marriage work. I wanted my happily ever after. I thought I was about to get it until the night before the wedding. Perry told me he loved me, but thought we we're getting married too soon. He told me this 15 hours before the blessed event! He didn't want to go through with it. I cried. I begged. My borderline kicked in. I told him he could marry me or bury me. This was one of the longest nights ever!
I had no idea if Perry was going to show at the wedding chapel the next day. I had no idea if he would say 'I do' if he did show. I had planned a small ceremony for two reasons.
1) I wanted the boys to be a part of it.
2) I wanted my adopted dad (my only dad) to walk me down the aisle.
Thankfully, Perry showed up and and my 2 wishes happened. I gave him an opportunity before the wedding to back out, but he opted to continue. We were remarried in front of a small group of my friends and some of my family. One of my most special patients and her family drove from another state to be present. None of Perry's family came. I know this sounds somewhat unforgiveable, but I blame Perry 100%.
As I have mentioned before, Perry is very non-confrontational. His way of dealing with things, is to not deal with things. He knew his family was mad at me. Instead of telling them he still loved me, he told them he only remarried me for the boys sake and because I threatened suicide. I know this because my anonymous texter was happy to tell me. I also know because Perry admitted it to me later.
I don't say this often but Perry was right. I REPEAT - Perry was right! We should've waited to get remarried. I worried if he was with me because he loved me or because he was afraid I would hurt myself. This is a legitimate concern I still have to this day! We had unresolved anger toward each other because of our pasts. My self esteem was nonexistent! My self image was horid!
It's so sad at how cruel others can be (especially geriatric mean girls) and how cruel we can be to ourselves. My friend Julie tells me often she wishes I could view myself through her eyes. I wish I could too, because I know without a doubt she loves me. In closing, I'm attaching my favorite pictures and memes; as well as some links on self image and self esteem. If you don't get anything else from my blogs, please know this (and I'm speaking to myself as well) YOU ARE WORTHY OF LIFE AND LOVE. And yes, sometimes people just need to eat chocolate pie.
https://greatist.com/grow/low-self-esteem
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