Sorry to leave you all hanging so long with me in the psych ward. When I left off my last blog, it was 12/31/2008. CC had broken up with me on New Years Eve. Such a sweetheart! I was already in a bad place. I called my sister and was taken to Huntsville Hospital and admitted with suicidal ideations. This was a HORRIBLE mistake!
It was a mistake for several reasons. First, I was very emotional. It was my first holiday without Perry in the house. Christmas had been terrible for all of us. The person I thought I was so madly in love with had just dumped me on NYE - and taken my diamonds back! Secondly, the emergency department on a new years eve is not a good place to be. I'm in a room crying hysterically. The guy in the room next to me is VERY violent! He has officers outside of his room. He is yelling very loudly. He is hitting and kicking the walls. Now, not only was I depressed, I was scared. Finally, when I did get to the psych ward, it was a skeleton crew. I spent my one day there doing a coloring sheet circling all of the 2009's I could find. Very therapeutic and relaxing exercise for a suicidal 38 year old.
Once I returned home, I made an appointment with a highly recommended psychiatrist. A physician I previously had worked for recommended him. I also knew his spouse who was a physician as well. He was generous enough to work me into his schedule the following day. My sister was encouraging me to take a leave of absence from work and go to an extended care facility. It was a 12 week program I think with classes and activities similar to drug and alcohol rehab, except it was for us crazies. This wasn't even an option for me. One, I wasn't going to leave my boys. Two, I wasn't going to take a leave of absence at work and give everyone more to say about me. Unfortunately, I found out the psychiatrist I wanted to see didn't accept my insurance. My sister agreed to go to my psychiatrist visit with me the following day. She was willing to help me pay for his services since he had been recommended and I felt comfortable seeing him. The saying nothing in life is free, really is true.
We arrived at the psychiatrist office. As I'm filling out my life story in paperwork, the Dr comes to waiting area to call me back. We'll call him Dr. P for Perfect Psychiatrist. I stand up to go to his office and my sister does as well. He politely tells her, he only wants to talk to me. She then states if she is not allowed in my sessions, she is requesting I sign a medical release form so she can have access to my records. As you can imagine, this didn't go over well with me. My sister and I are arguing in the waiting room of this psychiatry practice. She of course is acting like she wants my records to be able to manage my care. I was depressed, not helpless. I'm getting madder by the second, as we continue to argue because I refuse to be controlled by her money. Before I explode and squash her like a grape (one of the advantages of being much taller), Dr. P tells us we need leave and return at another time when the issue is resolved. After I arrive home, I receive a call from Dr. P. He offers to let me do a payment plan. He tells me he is not surprised I have some issues after what he witnessed in the waiting room. I make another appointment for the following day. I called Alex, my dad, and share my story with him. He volunteers to help me pay for my therapy with Dr. P.
I start seeing Dr. P and I feel much better! I start to learn some coping mechanisms about my anger issues. I honestly felt like I was making some progress. CC and I even started dating again and things were much better. When you work together, it's hard to avoid each other. He had transferred to another base, but often times we had meetings or classes at the Birmingham base. We would also have double scene flights at times. We continued to date into the Summer of 2009.
For extra money, I was doing short term contracts traveling and teaching computer charting to hospitals that were "going live" with either a new system or an updated system. These contracts were always a week or less. I would trade days with my coworkers at LifeSaver to make the time to do the contracts. I was leaving to go to Springfield, Illinois for a week contract. I had not been able to spend time with CC due to our schedules. He was still working full time at the fire dept. and LifeSaver. I was working my flight shifts closer together so I could have the days off to do the computer contract. Before I left for the contract, I went to the new base he was at to spend some time with him. I asked why he was acting strangely. Of course, He denied acting any way. I also had noticed several of the nurses at his new base acting differently toward me. One was just hateful. When I asked CC about it, of course he had no idea. After the trip to Springfield, I used the money to go on a cruise with CC and my boys. We had a great time on the cruise. It really was all sunshine, smiles, and happiness. However, the ride home was hell!
Remember the MySpace girl his best friend had started dating? The one I was jealous of because she was so pretty? Well, because I was in counseling and learning how to cope and feel better about myself, I was able to reach out and be friends with her. I actually really liked her. If you've read most of my blogs, you've probably picked up on my wit, sarcasm, smart mouth, and overall inappropriateness. I was working one night and talking to her on the phone. She told me her boyfriend was at CC's house. I made a comment JOKING about how I was beginning to wonder if they were gay. I called them Chuck and Larry. For those of you who don't know or remember, Chuck and Larry is an Adam Sandler movie where his best friend and co-worker's wife passes away. They pretend to be homosexual and get married so his friend can collect money to help financially raise his children. I was laughing the entire time. I thought she was too. She did tell me she was going over to CC's house to make sure they weren't in the shower together. I was thinking we were going to be great friends..... until after the cruise. As we were getting off the boat and preparing for the drive home, CC checked his messages. He had one from his best friend asking him to call. Once we got on the road, CC returned his friends call. I didn't hear what was said, but I knew it wasn't good. The boys and I were dropped off. CC and I didn't talk for several days. He didn't want to hear I was honestly joking. Never once did I really think he was gay. We had joined the mile high club in the helicopter (obviously without a patient in flight). He would never look at birthday cake the same again after his 28th birthday. One advantage of being eleven years older and a cougar, was being not as reserved as someone younger.
In the end, we stayed apart for about a month and then tried one more time. This time while we were together, he lost his dad. It was a hard time for him. It was a hard time for me. I wasn't getting the attention I was used to getting from him. We ended things for good about a month later. In the end, I found out I wasn't getting the attention I normally received from him because he was already involved with one of the nurses at his new base. It was so clear once I found out. Ironically, it was the same nurse he had to transfer to that base for in the first place. She had been caught with another medic by her husband. That medic came to my base and CC transferred to her base. As a side note, I've worked and spoken to her since. I don't have any ill feelings toward her. CC is very charming with his Country Christian demeanor. As Carrie Underwood sings in "Cowboy Casanova", He's the devil in disguise. A snake with blue eyes.
I REALLY had a hard time after the break up. For the first time in my life, I was acting psychotic. I wasn't just depressed. I was being an awful person. After we ended things, I went into a rage. My fear of abandonment happened again. I was mad at the world! I had ended my marriage of 17 years to Perry, who honestly loved me and our children for someone I thought was going to perfect. CC and I barely made it beyond my divorce to Perry being final. I honestly feel like this is when I started showing signs of borderline personality disorder (BPD). Previously, I had anger issues and depression, but I was out of control now. I am embarrassed to admit to some of the things I did. My friend and I were at the beach. We thought it would be a good revenge to call CC's best friend about his MySpace girlfriend. I knew he would recognize my voice, so my friend made up this elaborate story about MySpace having another boyfriend and cheating on him all the time. I have no idea what I was thinking when I called CC's ex-girlfriends new husband. I told him ugly things about her CC had shared with me. I truly don't even know what else I did.
While some of you are judging me, I know many of you are possibly relating to me. Before you gossip about how you would never do anything psychotic, let me remind you, you haven't lived MY life. Yes, I made these horrible decisions, but I also had the courage to message both of these people and apologize to them and ask for forgiveness. I also thanked them for their forgiveness and was sincere. More importantly, I know God has forgiven me. Now, I am sharing my story and being completely vulnerable in an effort to help others break the stigma of mental health. If you still think you're better than I am, good for you! Maybe you should take time to stop judging others and look in the mirror.
I met CC in October of 2007 when we were both hired to fly with LifeSaver. We immediately started an emotional relationship, with a physical one not to far behind. I think we finally called it quits the end of September / the beginning of October 2009. We were together for close to two years. As with any relationship, we had good times and bad times. We had fun times and sad times. We fought and we made up. We laughed and we cried. In all honesty, we had an emotional bond in the beginning very few will ever understand, because we did see so much trauma together. I plan on talking about some of my flight (and funny nursing) stories in a later blog. I want to tell my story of mental illness first and how I have arrived here.
The story with CC ends here. For obvious reasons, I do not want a friendship with CC. He's married. Perry and I are good. We've both moved on. I have tried on several occasions to talk to him and part on a cordial note with an explanation. Yes, Perry knows I've contacted him. Unfortunately, CC and I never seem to be able to make peace. I have made peace with myself about the past. I've made amends with others. I've also learned the closure I crave will need to come from inside me in certain situations, especially this one. Perry will probably never be able to do or say, what he would like because he has too much class.
My admission at Huntsville Hospital was not a therapeutic one. However, it possibly saved my life that night. Therapy with Dr. P wasn't an immediate fix all. Some might even say it obviously didn't work, because I acted so psychotically. I prefer to think if nothing else, it taught me asking for help isn't a sign a weakness. It's actually a sign of courage. Courage to know I needed to get myself in a better place mentally; not just for myself, but for my boys.
My mental health journey can be compared to a child learning to walk. I took my first steps here. I fell flat on my face at times. I busted my butt often. I often take two steps forward and one step back. Yet, here I am still standing....beautifully broken and perfectly imperfect.
PLEASE ask for help when you need it. #breakthestigma #donthideyourcrazy
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