I don't know how to play chess. However, I have read people who play chess use the pawn as a bargaining chip. I've learned especially in the case of divorce, it is easy to use children, money, and sex as pawns. I know after my mom and Alex divorced, I often felt as if I was being played between the two of them. I felt more as if mother and Alex used me as a pawn against each other. Honestly, I can't remember specific dates and times for examples, but I remember moving back and forth between my mom's house and Alex's house my senior year and a couple of times in college. When I would move from Alex's house to mother's, I couldn't take the car he bought me. When I moved from her house to his, I couldn't take the car she bought me after he took back his car. It was pettiness at its finest. I know when Peebs and I divorced, our boys became master manipulators very quickly.
Father's day was very hard for me when I was younger. I would have pity parties about why my biological dad couldn't stop his addiction and abuse. Why didn't he love me enough? I didn't understand why Alex chose to leave out family for someone else. I honestly felt I was unlovable.
Sadly, 30 something years later, I still feel the same way. Alex and I have a very hard to explain relationship. I guess if I had to put it in simple terms, I would say he has a habit of being gruff at times. I have a habit of calling him out when he acts gruff. We're both too hard headed to back down from one another so our relationship is not all rainbows and unicorns. He doesn't baby me; therefore, I give it right back to him or choose not to listen to it and hang up. My grandfather was who I tried to focus on as I was younger on Father's day. He passed away in January of 1994. Our oldest son is named after him. I am very thankful I had several uncles that have played a huge father figure role in my life at times.
I was glad Perry was off on Father's day because I was afraid it was going to be a rough one for him. I will explain in more detail later but for those of you that don't know us, Perry and I married in 1992 at the age of 21. We turned 22 shortly afterwards. We had Sam in 1995 and Josh in 1997. We stayed married until 2009. Our divorce was final after 17 years of marriage. When people ask what happened, I typically say life got in the way. That is a very broad, true answer. I had finally landed my dream job of becoming a flight nurse. Perry was busy being a sales rep for a mortgage company. They boys were 14 and 12 and wide open with activities. Sam was playing travel baseball. Josh had been busy the few years prior but he had gotten to where all he cared about were his video games. We honestly gave everything and everyone attention but each other. Finally, after two years apart and several mistakes on both sides, we realized we were better together. We also knew we would always love each other. We remarried on 11/11/11. We both dated others but in all honesty never quit seeing each other the entire time. He always told me we would end up back together. I often joke with him and say I'm his Jenny from Forrest Gump. I was pretty horrible at times but his love has never faltered. We also joke and say we're Ross and Rachel from Friends and we're just "on a break". Ironically, Father's day, we watched Forrest Gump and several episodes of Friends.
During the divorce, we both used the boys as pawns (unconsciously). After the remarriage, the boys used us as pawns. I think it is safe to say Josh still might be. I didn't expect Perry to hear from him on Father's day. Of course he didn't.
As a parent, you worry about every decision you make with your children. You worry about them from the time you find out they have been conceived until death (either yours or theirs). You want to protect them and do everything right. Unfortunately, they don't come with instructions other than The Bible. They can bring out every emotion you have within 3 seconds. You say you aren't going to do this or that to your child and then guess what? You're that parent doing it anyway. Perry and I both come from broken homes. We never thought we would divorce and we both said we would never put the boys in the middle of it. Guess who ended up right in the middle of it?
Why am I talking about all of this divorce? People who suffer from mental illness have a higher rate of divorce. Mental illness can make marriage harder for some couples. All couples are different, but I know from experience, my crazy has put a strain on Perry and I more than once. If you have never suffered from depression, you can't understand why your spouse won't just get up. What is wrong with them??? Do they enjoy staying in bed unshowered??? Are they attention seeking??? Are they lazy??? Divorce can also effect the children's mental health.
Am I telling you to not get divorced? Absolutely not! I am just reminding you to take care of yourself and your children emotionally, spiritually, and mentally if you are experiencing marital or any other types of problems. Mental illness isn't always obvious. When I first started having my symptoms, I was 17-18 years old. I can remember being on my bed and looking up at my ceiling and listening to desperado by the Eagles on repeat and not understanding what I was feeling. I didn't feel close enough to talk to anyone about what I was feeling. Hopefully if the mental health stigma disappears, we will all feel like we have someone to talk with. If you don't feel comfortable talking with a friend or family member, please know the # for the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline is 1-800-273-8255. In July of 2022, it will change to the three number dialing code of 988.
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