When I left off my last blog, our boys had just been taken from us by DHR due to my mental instability. I was being investigated for child abuse and neglect. Perry was being investigated for neglect because he knowingly left them in my care. Josh, our youngest son, admitted he told the staff at Bradford I was mentally unstable because he didn't want to live with me anymore. He was angry I had taken him to rehab after finding out about his drug use. My last blog was hard to write because of the pain we experienced. It was also hard because of the stigma associated with child abuse. I appreciate all the kind comments and messages I received after it was posted. Knowing I'm helping just one person makes it worth it. This blog will be the most difficult emotionally for several reasons. Please if you feel someone is struggling with suicidal thoughts, reach out to them. According to the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention (AFSP), between 50-75% of people who attempt suicide talk about their suicidal thoughts, feelings and plans before the attempt.
I take accountability and apologized for my actions while I was taking Ambien, even if I don't remember what my actions were. Was I a perfect mother? ABSOLUTELY NOT! I was far from it! I was certainly not a perfect wife. Was I an abuser? I still say no. After speaking with Sam, he might disagree on some aspects. Most borderline personality disorder (BPD) patients have dichotomous thinking. It is either black or white. With this subject, we have some gray area.
All of their physical needs were met. Our boys were provided for well (spoiled in most instances). There was absolutely no physical or sexual abuse. They were loved and nurtured. They both had been told since birth, rule #1 is Mommy and Daddy ALWAYS love you. Did they witness a horrible divorce? DEFINITELY! No divorce is pretty and ours had some really ugly moments. I take accountability for my part of those as well. The discrepancy between my account and Sam's account is he feels they were mentally and emotionally abused (or put through traumatic experiences) throughout my Ambien days and the divorce. This is where the gray area comes in. I am mortified at the things I have been told I said and did. I am told I once asked Sam to inject me with a paralytic to kill me. Do I think this instance was emotionally and mentally abusive behavior? Yes! This is ABSOLUTELY horrific, unacceptable behavior. I have had to learn to forgive myself. Sam has forgiven me. It has been a very slow process, but it is possible. Do I think this should make me a registered child abuser? No...I still don't.
I don't think I would've EVER acted in such a way without the ambien, but there are things I have done I know I shouldn't have. Just to hit the highlights: I had multiple affairs leading to our divorce. During these years, I wasn't a great mom and yelled and cursed a lot! I also became pregnant out of wedlock with a subsequent miscarriage. However, there are things in the abuse report I don't consider abusive. For example, one of the things listed was me showing the boys pictures from Lifesaver scenes to 'scare' them into being good. Did I show them pictures of wrecked vehicles? Yes, I did. Did I show them dead bodies? No, I didn't. I would show them accident scenes to remind them they weren't invincible. I wanted to remind them to be safe because I loved them.
Did I need mental help? 100% YES! Did I need a supportive family? YES! Maybe one who planned an intervention? Most certainly! Did I need for my family to go behind my back and hire the best attorney money could buy? NO! Did I need the Governor to sue me for custody of my boys? HELL NO! The reality is, that is what happened and it literally almost killed me.
After the temporary custody hearing and split from Perry, I was truly broken hearted. I literally could not function. After the one supervised dinner with the Governor, I wasn't allowed to see or speak with the boys again. I didn't even have their phone numbers. The phones we paid for were no longer being used. The Governor bought new ones were bought for them. Sam's car was returned because it was deemed "unsafe" for him to drive by the Governor since it was a convertible. I felt as if the Governor was trying to erase us completely from their lives. The one thing I could cling to was hoping my marriage would survive and winning the custody battle. The attorney told us we needed to show a united front in order to win custody of our boys back.
I really don't remember much about those days. I slept most of the time. I begged God. I read the Book of Job. Hygiene was very low on my priority list. Living was very low on the priority list. I called in to physical therapy with every excuse I could think of. I had no idea how I was going to go back to work the end of July. I hated not being at home with Perry. I was grateful to Kay for letting me stay with her. I loved her, but hated not being able to pay her. I also hated her see my messiness......and I was an enormous mess! I was only going to stay until I went back to work and could get my own place, only that day never came.
Perry was working night shift at the mines. He had an alternative schedule. He had a few off days at the beginning of the week. I don't remember how it happened, but I ended up in Gardendale at our old house with him. We spent a couple of days together. Things then started taking a turn for the worse. We started snipping at each other. If I'm being honest, he was done with using me for sex and was ready for me to go back to Kay's house. I was being my normal hard-headed self and refused to leave. After all, it was my house too and we were still married.
The following day (7/26/12), Perry was scheduled to work. He received a call letting him know there was a maintenance problem at the mine. Due to the problem, the mine wouldn't be "safe" that night for him to go to work. He immediately left to go 'hang out' with one of his friends from work I was not a fan of. For blogging purposes, the friend will be known as the Iceman. I had only met this friend a few times, but Perry seemed to always find trouble when he was with Iceman. As Perry was leaving, I reminded him he was still married. Of all times, Perry tells me now, he isn't going to be married much longer. He tells me he has definitely made up his mind to file for divorce. I was already the most mentally unstable I had ever been. I had just been used several days for sex. I'm sure I don't need to tell you that went over like a turd in a punchbowl.
The fight lasted for a while. There was a lot of screaming and name calling. We were mature like that. I remember hearing Perry get to the front door and yelling to him if he left, I would kill myself. I honestly felt as if I had nothing else to live for if he left. I was in such a tunnel where all I saw was total darkness. I had been depressed before, but never like this. Once I made the threat, I felt like time stopped. All I wanted was for Perry to come hold me as he had done a thousand times before and tell me everything was going to be ok. Instead, he came back to the bedroom doorway and said, "Go ahead, kill yourself". He then walked out and left the house. My fear of abandonment that is so pronounced with BPD had occurred. My boys were gone and now Perry was out the door.
I had no reservations. I had no fear. I went to the garage and poured antifreeze into a cup. I then went into the kitchen and made a plate of pasta. I mixed my antifreeze with diet sunkist. I went back to the bedroom, locked the door, and put 3 pieces of Brighton jewelry on. I had earrings Kay had given me, a necklace my friend Jess had given me, and a bracelet my friend Theresa had given me. I thought about my friends, but the pain was too much. None of my extended family was speaking to me (some of them still don't speak to me). I had gotten my little family back, only to lose it all 6 months later. I wasn't strong enough, or I didn't think I was strong enough. I had fought those feelings as long as I could fight them. I took a bottle of coumadin (blood thinner), ate my pasta, and drank my antifreeze cocktail.
Perry never made it to Iceman's house. He stopped to get a haircut. While there, he received a call the maintenance issue at work was resolved and he would be expected to report as scheduled. He returned to the house and decided to try to nap on the couch. Neither of us are sure how much time had elapsed, but he woke up needing to use the restroom. Our house was a split floorplan. Our bedroom and bathroom were on one side, while the boys bedrooms and bathroom were on the opposite side of the house. The couch Perry was sleeping on was closer to the boys bathroom. However, he chose to come to the bathroom in our bedroom, even knowing I was still in there. He tried to open the door and it was locked He unlocked it and came in. Due to my physical condition, I don't recall any of the remainder of the day at home, so I am typing what I have been told by Perry.
Once he entered the room, my breathing was very erratic. He wasn't able to awaken me. He called 911. He phoned my friend Deedee. Deedee was stressing the importance of him trying to figure out what I had taken when the medics arrived so I could be treated appropriately. According to Perry, I had been unresponsive to everything until the medics arrived. Once the medic on scene started shaking me and asking what I had taken, I took the cup off the nightstand and threw it in the bathroom sink. He then called Deedee back for advice on where I should be taken. They both were in agreement I didn't need to go to UAB since I was a Lifesaver nurse and knew most of the ED staff there. They decided on Brookwood Hospital since I had just been a patient there for my series of unfortunate medical events, but Brookwood was on diversion. I ended up at Trinity, (which was Baptist Montclair and is now Grandview).
Perry said when I threw the cup in the sink, I let him know there was something in the cup I didn't want anyone to find. I had talked to him before about drinking antifreeze, after I had watched murder porn on tv about a woman murdering her husband by poisoning him with antifreeze. He called the ED and told them of his suspicions on his way to the hospital so the antidote could be obtained and given. I have no memory of anything after starting to eat my pasta and drinking the diet sunkist and antifreeze. To this day, I still can't look at a diet sunkist without becoming nauseated.
My next memory is waking up in intensive care unable to talk because of the breathing tube in my throat. I was freezing! I had about 8 people in my room between the nurses, drs, and respiratory. I remember one nurse being very kind to me. She kept getting me blankets. She told me it was the dialysis that was making me so cold. One of my IV's had come out of my vien in my right hand. My right hand looked like a blown up glove. All of my medicine I had been getting in that IV wasn't going in my vein anymore, it was going into my tissue. Because I wasn't getting my sedation, I was awake and could hear everything and knew what was going on. SCARY! The nurses asked one of the residents to place a central line because I had so many IV medications infusing and not a lot of good vein potential. This MD was the only person I remember being ugly. She thought I pulled my IV out, so she yelled at me while asking why I would do that and why I would try to kill myself.
After my central line placement, I don't remember anything else until one morning I woke up as they were weaning my sedation and ventilator. At first, I thought I was alone, but then I see Perry standing in the corner of my room. He is standing there crying big tears. After Perry left, I remember feeling very overwhelmed and confused. I remember feeling like such a failure. I couldn't even kill myself successfully. I also remember feeling so hurt I hadn't heard from my boys, or from anyone in my family for that matter. It really is true what they say about your friends being the family you choose.
I didn't find out until later, my family was notified of my suicide attempt. They were on vacation with my boys in NC. They made the decision to not tell my boys until a later date. They also made the decision to not come home from vacation. The only visitor I had in the hospital who was from my family was the Governor several days later. It was a short visit and consisted of me being asked why I would do something like that and what I was thinking.
For my medical friends, I know you all have questions. I don't know everything, but what I do know is it is a miracle of God I am here. My pH on arrival was 7.1. My creatinine jumped to over 6. I went into ARF and was on dialysis for several days. MULTIPLE units of PRBC's and FFP. Lots of Vitamin K. I had aspiration pneumonia. I'm not sure of all the IV medications I received, but I know I was on Diprivan, Levophed, and Bicarb drips. I also know God placed some special people there for me. More on that later.
In preparing for this blog, I searched for pictures or memes to use. Without thinking, I typed in my google search bar suicide memes. I was hoping for something uplifting. I was horrified at what I saw. WHY???? Why would anyone ever think suicide jokes are funny? Suicide is the 10th leading cause of death in the United States. It is up to us to stop the stigma. It is up to all of us to be kind.
I often hear people talk about how taking your own life is selfish. This statement makes me cringe. If you have never been in the frame of mind to have suicidal ideations, you are blessed! If you have had suicidal ideations, you know it is not a selfish act. I am also truly sorry you have had those feelings. I can only speak for myself, but I felt as if the world would be better off without me. It is truly like falling in a winter hole of cold, intense darkness. You can feel nothing but pain. The only thing your mind repeats is, "You are a failure". There is no light. There is no warmth. There is no comfort.
What I want to remind you (and myself) of is winter doesn't last forever, even if you can't see anything but the darkness. There are resources there for you! There are people in the darkness who are there cheering for you! These people have been there and don't want you to feel alone. They will be there if you need to talk. They will be there for you to sit in comfortable silence. These are people who live in a no judgement zone. They are people just like you willing to love you for everything you are and everything you aren't! I know these people exist because I am one of these people.
YOU ARE WORTHY OF LIFE AND LOVE!
Crisis Line: 1-800-273-TALK (8255)
Crisis Text Line: Text HOME to 741-741
http://chat.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/GetHelp/LifelineChat.aspx
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