Let me first start by apologizing for taking such a long break after my last blog. It was unintentional; however, the last two weeks of my life have been a living hell. I have been spiraling out of control for at least a month now. If I'm being honest, I'm still not in a good place, but I am at least doing some hygiene on myself and eating (which is more than I did the first week after the wedding). Yesterday was a big day - I put real clothes on and went to the drug store and target. I mean, it was shorts, a t-shirt, a hat and drive up orders, but it counts right? I'm also veering off the beaten path of my normal blog storyline to share about my wedding experience and becoming a mother-in-law.
In the picture above, front and right center is my oldest son Samuel (Sam, Sambo, Buddy, my baby, Perry jr, Perry's mini me, and Samantha {when he's being dramatic}). To Sam's left is his bride and now wife, Kaitlin. Beside Kaitlin, is Natalie and then Kay. I'm sure you all remember Kay. She is my go to girl. Kay is my best friend, my (non-biological) sister, my confidant, my travel partner, my advice giver....I could honestly go on forever. I'll just refer you to my blog on Kay. Natalie ( Nat, Nattie, Natrat, princess, cheerleader Nat {MSU}, and Dentist Natalie {in one semester}) is Kay's daughter. I take half credit for making her the princess she is today. Sam has known Natalie since birth. She is 5 weeks younger than Sam. Obviously, on the right side of Sam is where you'll find myself and my husband, Perry.
It is so hard for me to say, "Sam's wife, Kaitlin". It has nothing to do with Kaitlin. To start with, my mind tells me, Sam isn't old enough to be getting married. I know 26 is an appropriate age to get married; but, I think back, and it was literally just last week when he was coming home from prom. It certainly hasn't been long since that cute, brown eyed, blonde headed, little boy who loved "firedog trucks" and playing with any type of ball needed his mom. Sam had a speech impediment as a child. He couldn't say the 'H' sound. He always made the 'Sh' sound instead. When he played t-ball, he was so precious. Everyone would ask Sam what he was going to do when he was up on deck. He would have such a serious look on his face and say, "I'm gonna shit the ball". He was ADORABLE!
I know he has graduated high school, served in the Army, and graduated college (War Damn Eagle), but he still sits in my lap. We are and have always been exceptionally close. Well, let me re-phrase that, we WERE close until after his wedding day. Have we butted heads before? Without a doubt! Sam looks just like Perry. He even has Perry's mannerisms. They walk alike, stand alike, sound alike, but Sam has more of my personality. He can go from Samuel to Samantha in 1 second. He is smart mouthed and sarcastic. He is emotional at times and wears his heart on his sleeve. He can give you a look with his eyes that makes you want to curl up under a blanket and hide. His tongue is as sharp as a tungsten needle when he's mad. Thankfully those times aren't often. Above, I take half credit for making Nat the princess she is. I take full credit for these attributes in Sam. He learned from the best. The folllowing attributes of Sam's personality, I can only hope to take be credited for. He is very loving and caring. He is understanding and forgiving. He is determined! He is helpful and has a heart of gold. He is generous. He is focused and driven. He is the one person in my world of mental illness who understands me, allows me to vent, and loves me despite my crazy. To me, he is perfection.
Unfortunately, due to my mental illness, I missed many significant events with Sam in his later teen years. I know I can't go back and experience those moments now. I know I'm being vague in my explanation. You will understand much more later, as I continue the storyline in my blog describing my life with mental illness in chronological order. I also know I sound like one of those crazy moms in a bad Lifetime movie. I promise, I'm not! I honestly believe some of the experiences Perry and I went through during our divorced years that affected our boys made Sam and I closer. When you are completely exposed for the imperfect person you are, and every mistake, bad decision, and mental challenge, you've ever made or faced is exposed, it's easy to be your true, raw self and not try to present yourself to your son as the perfect mom anymore. Sam and I would talk about anything and everything. Some of my friends and family disapproved of our discussion content, but he was honest with me. I appreciated his honesty, and that he felt comfortable enough to be open with me.
In my previous blog, I've shared how I wanted to be (or at least portray myself) as the perfect wife and mom, when in actuality I was driving myself further insane and farther away from being either. I checked all the boxes of being room mom, team mom, being at every field trip, and every school event. I ran, worked out, and shopped, every spare minute available so I wouldn't be an embarrassment to either Perry or my boys. After being a huge disappointment to everyone (including myself) in younger years, I hoped I could be the mother-in-law and mom to Kaitlin and Sam as they started their life together. I was determined not to be the mother-in-law who thought no one was good enough for my son. Sad to say, I failed again miserably.
I could tell my side of the story. I could tell you how my feelings for Kaitlin went from being her biggest fan, to being not such a fan. I can blame it on the alcohol, but I know better. I've never been a big drinker. Anytime I have had too much to drink, it hasn't ended well for me. I could go through all the reasons I was upset prior to the wedding but they shouldn't have mattered. Sure, there were little petty, passive aggressive things I took personally. The truth is, I was already struggling before I even arrived in Texas, which is where the wedding venue was located. I knew there wouldn't be a huge family presence with it being a destination wedding. The issue I struggled with is represented in the first picture above. More accurately, NOT represented in the picture above. There were legitimate excuses as to why family members couldn't make the trip from Alabama to Texas (medical issues, finances, prior plans). There were also BS reasons why family members couldn't make it to the wedding. Hearing Sam talk about being hurt over the BS excuses, ripped my heart out. As any mother knows, you can mess with me - but DO NOT mess with my child! I. WILL. HURT. YOU. I. WILL. CUT. YOU. I WILL. BURY. YOUR. ASS. in the backwoods of Alabama where the family trees are wreaths! I'm already crazy and in poor health. They can't lock me up for that long! Most importantly, Josh wasn't there. This broke my heart as a mother. I have two boys. Although they have very different personalities, lifestyles, and thought processes, your brother should be present at your wedding.
The worst thing is, I know better than to react to other people. I know I can't control their actions; however, I can try to control my response to their actions. This is where it really, really becomes difficult for me as a person with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). One of the problems with BPD is the inability to regulate your emotions. Earlier I said Sam can transform from Sam to Samantha in 1 second. I can transform from rational adult Marti to angry raging Marti in .01 second. There are techniques used to help with the "borderline rage". Thankfully, I am aware of them and practice them most of the time. I would be very familiar with law enforcement and have an attorney on speed dial if I didn't. Through the years, I have discovered my biggest trigger for BPD rage is fear of abandonment. It is frightening to me, after an exceptionally bad rage to not even remember what I did or said. I get so mad and out of control, I have no recollection of my behavior.
Once again, I could tell my side of the story, but it doesn't matter. The bottom line is, I have hurt my son. I am the person I want to hurt, cut, and bury. When I say the past two weeks have been a living hell, I'm not being dramatic. Sam and I talked on the phone at least once daily, if not two to three times. Depending on the shift he was scheduled, he would call me on his way to work to see how I was doing. He would also call me on his was home to tell me about his day. These last two weeks without hearing his voice have been miserable. What makes it a harder pill to swallow is I don't even remember most of the reception except my dance with Sam. The dance is a memory I will have forever. I apologized to him for singing the words to "Never Alone", the song playing as we danced. I have a horrible singing voice. He told me to keep singing, it was perfect. For those 3 minutes and 40 seconds, it was just me and my Sambo and nothing else mattered.
I have fought and tried so hard over these last ten years to heal. I am compliant with my treatment. I take my medication. Yes, I have spoken to my Dr. He adjusted my meds. I have a therapist. Yes, I kept my appointment with her and I have another one this week. Yes, I reached out to my friends. I have a mental health contract with three of my best friends. I am to call them 24 / 7, no matter what before I ever attempt to hurt myself again. Yes, I called the past two weeks and was talked off the ledge. I even reached out to an old friend for advice. I am so thankful what I lack in family, I have in friends.
Sadly when I am in a horrible depression, it's not as easy to snap out of it as some people think. A severe depression can happen anytime, but there are triggers. A BPD rage is most definitely a trigger. Couple that with not having a current relationship with either of my boys, and I have no desire to live. I certainly don't have a desire to, "get up and enjoy this beautiful day". I know others are trying to help. I honestly appreciate their concern, but if you've never been clinically depressed, please don't call me sounding like you have a rainbow shoved up your ass while saying good morning. That is not helpful.
I've heard depression described in many ways. One of the ways I read depression be explained that resonated with me is to think about depression as a heavy fog. The person who commits suicide has become so lost in the fog, they can't find their way out. Suicide seems to be the only answer. This was written by Rev. Dr. Clay Smith. He used this description when doing a funeral for a person who took their own life. He wrote how God put the thought of fog in his mind. He also writes about the title song for M*A*S*H.
I watched M*A*S*H when I was younger. I might've had a school girl crush on Hawkeye. Obviously that was before I was introduced to Bon Jovi. The theme song to the show was so catchy. I never realized there were lyrics until I read the article from Rev. Dr. Clay Smith. The name of the title song is "Suicide is Painless". The Reverend continues writing about how untrue this statement is because suicide causes so much devastation for the remaining family members and friends of the deceased. I tried to rationalize why someone would write such a song, when the show was a comedy, although it dealt with war. After some research, I discovered M*A*S*H was a film released in 1970. This is also when Johnny Mandel released the title song "Suicide is Painless". The lyrics to the song were written by Mandel's 14 year old son. After I read the lyrics and was browsing through the comments, I read a comment that grabbed my attention. This person interpreted the lyrics to mean life is full of pain and suffering, but you always have a choice. You can choose to endure life, even with it's painful times and you might just thrive from it, or you can chose to end life. You'll never know what possibilities were available after the fog lifts if you take the suicide option.
Please know if you suffer with any mental illness, you are not alone! You are one in five Americans. Trust me, I know how dense that fog can be. Nights like tonight, I can't sleep. Tomorrow morning, I'll have trouble getting out of bed because it's 3am and I'm blogging about mental illness. Do I want Sam and Kaitlin to know my actions came from a place of fear, love and protection, and not evilness? Absolutely, but for now I have to practice what I preach. Remind myself I'm not alone, stay away from alcohol, and have faith God has a purpose for me. My hope is my purpose is to help someone find their way out of the fog.
Suicide Hotline 800-273-8255 (TALK) (Veterans press 1)
text HELLO to 741741
VETERANS CRISIS LINE text 838255
www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org
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