Let me just go ahead and say, I am going to be brutally honest. There are things I am going to put out there about myself that are not going to be good. There are things I am going to talk about that I have gone through that are not pretty. I am in no way trying to get sympathy. My purpose in this blog is to bring awareness to mental illness and stop the stigma! I had thought about this for a while. When I heard all of the backlash of Naomi Osaka, the tennis player that withdrew from the French Open due to mental health reasons, I decided to go for it. She did have some support, but she should have had EVERYONE'S support! I'm sure if she announced she was withdrawing because she was diagnosed with cancer, everyone would have been behind her 100%.
Remember when I said there were some days when brushing your teeth would be your biggest accomplishment? Today is one of those days. I've already missed two appointments. I was scheduled to take my computer to Best Buy for its yearly maintenance. I also had a nail appointment for a mani and pedi. You know if I missed a nail appointment and I'm looking at my skank nails as I'm typing, mental illness has to be bad. Thankfully my dogs don't care. I am hoping blogging will help get me out of this funk. It's so sad that one thing can send me spiraling down. Also, I am in no way trying to give mental health advice or treatment! I am just sharing my experiences in hopes others will feel as if they can talk about their own experiences. I am being blunt so if you have a tendency to judge, you might learn something, stop, and think before you are judgmental and ultimately unkind.
The 1st time I remember seeing a counselor is when I was in high school, my freshman year. I didn't really feel like there was anything wrong with me at the time. I had a boyfriend I had been dating for almost a year. I was a band nerd my freshman year. I played the trumpet and he played the saxophone. My sister had told me to stay away from him so of course I was going to date him. He was a senior and in her graduating class. My sister is only 2 years older but had skipped a grade so she was 3 grades higher than I was. It was a Sunday night and I talked my mom into letting me stay home from church to study for an Algebra test and have my boyfriend help me. Needless to say, we were studying anatomy instead of algebra! We were so deep into studying that neither of us heard the garage door open. The next thing I know is my mom is standing in my bedroom doorway. I heard her say, "I want to see you both dressed and upstairs immediately". Well, that was a shitty night. I was mortified. He was mortified. Mother called his parents and told them. They were both much older and since he was a boy (and older) they didn't seem to care. I saw him at school but my sister watched me like a hawk. All these shows you see where the sisters are close and cover for each other, that was definitely not us. My sister took pleasure in getting me in trouble every chance she got (more on that later). Finally, after a few days, my mother told me I could invite my boyfriend over. She told us we didn't have to break up. We could see each other once a week at my house supervised by her. That lasted about two weeks. Can you imagine how awkward that was???? Sitting with the guy that took your virginity in front of your mom and toddler brother trying to make conversation that is appropriate for toddlers, teens, and twats (which is pretty much what I called my mom through my teen years).
As a side note on this boyfriend, one of his neighbors was Perry's best friend at the time. Perry was around a lot of the time. There was one time my sister was in a beauty pageant (she was beautiful and won everything) and my boyfriend drove me, Perry and his neighbor to the pageant as he was the only one old enough to drive. I sat in the front of the car since my boyfriend was driving. Perry and his friend sat in the backseat. Perry has horrible motion sickness and vomited all in his car! We still laugh about it to this day. When we did get married, we picked the date for our wedding not because it was special, but because it fit our schedules at the time. Perry was still in college and it was on his Spring Break. I was in my 1st year of nursing and working 7on/7off. It was during my 7off. Ironically, our wedding took place on this boyfriend's 25th birthday.
Anyway, on to my first counseling experience. After said boyfriend and I broke up, I was heartbroken. I cried daily. I thought I would never love again or be loved again. My mom took me to a counselor to see what was wrong with me. Why did I have sex at such a young age? Why was I so upset at the breakup? After several counseling sessions, my understanding from the counselor is he told my mom I was promiscuous and upset because I was looking for someone to make me feel loved. I didn't go back to counseling after that. I don't remember being officially diagnosed at that time with any mental illness. I have seen MANY counselors since then. I have a multitude of mental diagnosis now. They include Major Depressive Disorder, Seasonal Affective Disorder, Borderline Personality Disorder, Adjustment disorder with Anxiety, and PTSD. I was horrified at one time to be known as a mental patient. It's not something I advertise to strangers now
, just like I don't advertise my asthma. However, it I'm wheezing, my asthma is obvious to those around me and I'm no longer hiding my crazy if it starts to show. I use my inhalers / nebulizer and see my pulmonologist to treat my asthma. I take my medications, use my techniques, and see a counselor / psychiatrist for my mental illness. I am 1 in 5 Americans that are Mentally Ill.
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