I wish I could tell you all once Perry and I married, it was all taco's, margarita's, and beaches. I wish we had gone through the last 30 years without any conflict with each other, our boys, or our families. I could tell you that, but it would be a HUGE lie. We are finally at the Happily Ever After, or as close to it as any couple ever gets. I chose to call it Happily Right Now. We have two boys we both love very much. We love, understand, and support each other more than ever. It has been a long, curvy, uphill road that forked and came back together to get here but we finally made it. I think at the age of 51, I finally grew up and became a mature adult. I had been adulting for years, but I was defiant, immature and mentally ill.
We started having some fights before the wedding about my extreme jealousy. I was so afraid of losing him again. Looking back now as a healthier person, it was so ridiculous. He kept telling me he didn't want anyone else, but I just couldn't get it in my head. I was so insecure. I started getting obsessed with how I looked. I was working out non-stop. I didn't like any of the girls he worked around. He started out so patient and sweet when dealing with my insecurity and jealousy. He never gave it back to me. At first, I was thankful he wasn't the jealous type. I could tell him about anyone at work, whether it be a patient's family or staff member, that had been inappropriate and he would just laugh. He would actually say he didn't blame them. I would ask him about girls. He would tell me and I would have jealous rages. He tried so hard to make me happy. He threw away his yearbook because I didn't like seeing where his other girls in the "rotation" had signed it. He finally figured out it was much easier to lie to me so I wouldn't go psychotic.
Perry is very laid back. He doesn't show his emotions very well. He hates confrontation. Early on in the marriage, we had quite a bit of confrontation to say the least. Perry had always been very sweet and loving. He starting calling me his "beautiful angel". Perry has also always been very attractive. He was never known in high school to have a great body, but when he moved back to Alabama from Florida, it was obvious he had been spending a lot of time in the gym. This was both good and bad for me. Good in the fact that I got to reap the benefits of his nice body, but bad in that several other girls wished it was them instead of me enjoying it. One in particular did everything she could to get us apart. We called her pygmy face fat back bitch (PFFBB). She comes back into the story later too.
My temper was really explosive but I attributed it to wedding nerves and nursing stress. I was only 21. I was working in a very high acuity intensive care unit at a Level 1 trauma center trying to help save patients, but watching many die despite every effort made by so many great nurses and doctors. I was planning a wedding. My mother told me she couldn't help me pay for my wedding. She also told me Alex said he wouldn't pay for it. It turned into another he said / she said event. Perry and I took out a loan and decided to pay for the wedding ourselves. It was pretty and sweet, but not elaborate. He made a few request before the wedding. He asked me to buy a mermaid dress which I did. He asked me to do my own hair and make-up so I would look like myself. I know this sounds like a strange request but the night we got engaged, we had gone to a classmates wedding together. The bride that night looked like someone we had never seen before. It really freaked Perry out. He said he didn't want to see a stranger coming down the aisle toward him.
I made it through the ceremony without words with the Pastor. Previously, during our pre-marital counseling, I had words with the Pastor about our living arrangements. Shortly after our engagement, I moved in with Perry's family. The drive during my 7 on was hard. I am and have always been one of those people that if you tell me to be somewhere at 10:00 am, I am going to roll in the parking lot on 2 wheels at 10:03 with my car huffing and puffing from exhaustion. On the way to where I'm going, I'm usually driving at least 90mph, eating breakfast or lunch, putting my jewelry and lotion on, and sometimes finishing my make-up if I'm even wearing any. This happens no matter what time I wake up or start to get ready. Perry's family thought if I lived closer to the hospital, it might help me not be so late and stressed. I lived with Perry and his dad's family from November to March. We had our wedding date set for March 21, 1992. We decided to move into our apartment the beginning of March. The Pastor we used for our wedding ceremony sat us down at one of our counseling appointments. He told both of us he didn't feel right about marrying us now that we were choosing to "live in sin". I told him there wasn't anything we could do in that apartment that we hadn't already done in Perry's house, car, Belk dressing room, etc. I'm really not sure he ever spoke to me again after the wedding.
We thought we had made it through the BS prior to the wedding and we were finally married! I was working my normal shift at the hospital which was 3pm-11pm now, still 7on, 7off. He was working at an orthopaedic surgeons office and going to school full time. He decided he wanted to change career paths from business and do something in the medical field. We were both having fun being married. We had an apartment close to Pinson in the same apartment complex my sister lived in. She had 2 small children now and had gotten divorced. I wanted to be close so I could try to help her. I was in LOVE with my niece! She was a live baby doll for Perry and I to play house with. We played with her often. He bought a jeep. We went on rides together, but never off road because working in Neuro had scared me to death about smashing my head. We worked out together. We went to the beach every chance we got. I was finally secure with him because I was married to him. I had won the prize.
That security and happiness was short lived. Remember one of his friends I ran into in Gardendale on my way to the nail shop? He had started dating one of my friends I worked with in NICU. It was fun. We would double date and hang out. One night as my friend and I were working, Perry told me he was going over to his friend's house to hang out while the two girlfriend nurses were working. Close to time to get off, I asked my friend at work if she had talked to her guy (Perry's friend). She said she had not tried to call him since he had told her he would be in the woods off road riding with Perry in his jeep. I was furious. I cut out of work as soon as I could.
I was hurrying home to confront him when I was stopped by a traffic light. As I was stopped, I looked up and saw Perry sitting in his jeep also at the light waiting for the arrow to turn left. I get out of my car, walk across a busy intersection, go to the driver's side of the jeep, say nothing, punch him right in the nose, and walk back to my car. This was the 1st of many anger outburst to come on my part. It was a viscous cycle:
1) Perry didn't want to upset me, make me mad, or be confrontational so he would hide things from me.
2) I would find out he wasn't truthful or had hidden something.
3) My head would spin around at least twice and I looked like Marlana in the 90"s on "Days of Our Lives" when she turned into the devil.
4) He would be even more determined to tell me whatever he thought I wanted to hear so I wouldn't get upset.
My borderline personality disorder and his tendency to be emotionally blunted were already causing issues in our marriage. I was continuing to show more signs such as being unpredictable, irritable, and unstable. I think the more I acted this way, the more emotionally blunted he became. We were truly at the beginning stages of becoming toxic, even though we loved each other and always had. Thankfully through the years, we have gotten through the lies, dug deep to find Perry's emotions and get them out. We have also dealt with my mental illness which has helped with my jealousy, anger outburst, insecurity, attention cravings and many other issues. There are many other stories to come which will bring out ALL your emotions, even if you're emotionally challenged. I'll circle back to BPD as I tell more about the next several years and what it took for me to get the right treatment. There is no cure for BPD but there are many treatment options for the symptoms to include: medications to treat the symptoms (antidepressants, anxiolytics, mood stabilizers), hospitalization, therapy, anger management, and therapy activities. These are the ones that I have personally used over the last 10 years to improve and find our Happily Right Now.
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