One of my favorite television shows EVER is friends. As Perry and I are falling asleep at night, we watch friends. I think I have seen every episode at least twice, if not three times. My all time favorite is The one with Monica's Boots. I realize there are things on the show that aren't realistic. Seriously, I don't even like coffee, but even if I did, my friends and I wouldn't have time to sit around in a coffee shop daily. What I love about the show is it shows the different lives of a group of friends and how their personalities seem to mesh although they are all so different. There is never any backstabbing. They accept each other for who they are and have unconditional love for each other. Plus, Ross and Rachel's relationship have several similarities with mine and Perry's relationship.
In my last blog, I talked about mean girls. I don't think it's fair to talk about mean girls without talking about friends. I think throughout life we have friends and others placed by God to teach us different lessons. Some friends are placed to be lifelong friends. Some friends end up being frenemies. Some frenemies end up being true friends. Some friends are around only for a season. Some friends truly become your family. In all honesty, I have in the past felt cheated by God because of my screwed up family life. One thing I know for certain, God gave me some of the BEST friends in the world.
When I left off in our story, I had transferred from full time to a flex position and was working in Open Heart (CSICU) at Carraway Methodist Medical Center. That is where I met my best friend in the entire world! Her name is Kay Collins and she is a S-U-P-E-R-W-O-M-A-N and ROCKSTAR of a friend. I met Kay right before I had Sam. I had gotten pulled to CSICU from NICU and she was one of the full-time nurses in that unit. She was expecting also. We immediately connected over our pregnant bellies. Of course, I looked like I had a watermelon in my belly and Kay looked like she had a cantaloupe in her belly. I thought she was months behind me but it turns out her due date was only one month behind mine. I also thought Kay was the same age I was. I was completely shocked when I found out she was 15 years older me. Once I came back to work after having Sam and was working in CSICU, Kay and I became great friends. We could laugh together. We worked well together. She would tell me when I was being silly.https://happiful.com/the-positive-effects-of-friendships-on-mental-health/ She actually looked at me when I told her I was pregnant with Josh and asked me what the hell I was thinking?!?!? Needless to say, being a single mom had tainted Kay a little at this point.
Kay was very active prior to her pregnancy and was ready to get back into shape. I was motivated to get back into shape because Perry had laughed at me when I said I was going to get my navel pierced like Janet Jackson. Kay and I started running together several times a week. We didn't have the same schedules, but we would make plans and stick to them. Our house was about 20 minutes North of the hospital and Kay's house was about 40 minutes North of ours. Her daughter attended the daycare at Carraway so after Kay picked her up, they would come by and we take off running. Perry would babysit. Some nights after we returned from running our 5 miles, Perry looked worse than we did from watching Sam and Nat. We affectionately referred to them as the terrorist. At this point, Josh was the good one. He would usually crawl over to the plant and eat dirt. I don't know why I'm shocked to this day that I was still reminding him to shower and wear deodorant after he turned 20.
I don't want to jump ahead and tell too many Kay stories because I don't want to give away too much of what is to come in future blogs. but I can say Kay is the strongest woman I know. Over the last 26 years, I have seen her deal with a lot of things with in her family (births, deaths, accidents). I have seen her raise an AMAZING daughter I love as one of my own. I have seen her work harder than anyone I know, even when exhausted and sick. She worked a shift in the cath lab and stayed for an 'on call' pacemaker and was immediately taken to the ED afterwards and admitted to ICU for sepsis that night. I've seen her at my side, through thick and thin, encouraging me, holding my hand, and loving me through it all - the good, the bad, and the ugly. The one and only time I have ever seen Kay cry is when I did something to hurt her. I made her a promise that night and I know without a doubt, I will never break that promise to her.
I mentioned earlier that I felt cheated in the past because of my family life. I don't mean for that to sound like I've had the worst life ever. I just didn't have the typical family of mom and dad with kids and the family pet. I've also had years of being estranged from my immediate family, one time of which I've already shared between my me and my mom. I'm not close to my sister in any way, nor do I think I will ever be. My brother and I are at different time periods in our lives. He has a young daughter and is busy running a business. I'm an empty nester and unemployed. The best part of having Kay as a friend is she is truly OUR family and my sister. Kay was there at Sam's high school and college graduation when none of his grandparents attended either ceremony. I'm not trying to demean any of the grandparents. There are legitimate excuses for some things missed by some grandparents and no excuses why some things were missed by others. This blog isn't to down anyone, it's to show Kay's unconditional love and friendship. Sam has asked Kay to be seated as a mother in his upcoming
wedding in October.
Kay and I started out as friends. We have been roommates. We have run hundreds of miles together. We have helped raise each other's children. We can laugh uncontrollably together. We can sit in comfortable silence together. We can guess what the other is thinking. We can watch Hallmark Christmas movies together or we can flip it to murder porn and guess the ending. We have traveled together to many places, most of them involving sand, sun and palm trees. We have even been told people think we're lesbians. Just for the record, I'm team penis all the way.
Today is one year since I lost another wonderful friend, BCH. When I think about grief and loss, I put losing Kay in the same category as how devastated I would be if I were to lose one of my boys or Perry. I can't even type that sentence without tearing up. All of this has led me to think about what role our friends play in our lives. I've always known I had friends who genuinely cared about myself and my family. I think sometimes I was just being shallow and didn't want them to think poorly of us or in particular, think poorly or be judgemental of me. There were many times throughout the boys younger years I really struggled. Ya'll, it was hard!!!! Thinking back, some of it is a blur. Working as a nurse is very demanding. Taking care of two boys two years apart is very demanding, especially when one is having seizures. Trying to maintain yourself so you don't look like a "mom" is definitely hard physically and mentally. Trying to maintain a marriage when you can barely maintain yourself is hard. We need to find our TRUE friends and learn to lean on each other.
The mental health foundation states friendship is a crucial element in protecting our mental health. I know how hard it is to admit you have depression, anxiety, PTSD, BPD, bipolar, schizophrenia, or whatever your diagnosis might be. I didn't say anything to anyone for a long time. I was too busy trying to look perfect for all of those on the outside looking in. I was afraid of judgment. I was afraid of being "a freak". I had listened to my mom make fun of those people who had "taken all those medications" for their "bad nerves". I've learned, my behavior from untreated mental illness is what made me "a freak", not admitting I had mental illness. I'm not justifying some of my behavior I'll blog about in the future. I knew right from wrong. If only I had confided in some of my friends, they might have been able to talk to me about some of my symptoms. Even if I didn't feel comfortable sharing everything with a friend, I could have attended peer groups and met others with my same problems. I have friends now that check on me and friends I know to check on. The national council for mental well being states older adults who are socially active have higher late life satisfaction. Friends are amazing to celebrate the good times with you, as well as support you through the bad times.
My wish is you all find your Kay. To my Kay - Thank you for being the definition and an example of a true best friend. I LOVE YOU!
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