Once I learned to remain calm and think (most of the time) at scenes, being a flight nurse became fun. I found out VERY quickly, regardless of how much experience I had, I still had a lot to learn! We would fly anything ranging from a scene flight involving infant trauma, to an interfacility transfer of a geriatric patient with multiple medical problems. We flew anything and everything in between, except for interfacility pediatric patients. Children's Hospital has CareFlight and a ground transport unit to transport neonates, infants, and pediatric patients from one facility to another. We certainly didn't fly isolette babies. Our helicopters weren't configured for isolette flights. The only time we didn't fly was when safety was a concern. We had weather minimums set by our company for our safety requirements. The pilot not only looked at those minimums to make sure we could lift off; he made sure we could complete the mission, and make it back to our base safely while staying well within those minimums. We did yearly Air Medical Resource (AMRAM) training. We had military grade night vision goggles (NVG). We ALWAYS had the policy of 3 to go, 1 to say no. If one member of the flight crew was uncomfortable for ANY reason taking the flight, it was declined. I can honestly say of all the pilots who flew, I was only scared once. The majority of our pilots were military and I liked it like that. My top 3 faves were all military.
I would work shifts when we did 4 flights. I would work shifts when the flight phone never rang. I worked shifts when we were grounded due to weather or maintenance issues. To me, the days without flights were sometimes the hardest. I would often times overthink things, which is always dangerous for me. We had our daily to-do list. We would check all supplies on the aircraft. We checked our supply bags to make sure they were adequately stocked with medications and appropriate sized equipment if needed. At the beginning of each shift, we counted the narcotics to make sure everything balanced out. We did chart audits. All of the full time staff had additional assignments as well. As I mentioned earlier, mine was to make the schedule. Other crew would order supplies, order medications, buy snacks for the base with our house fund, etc. We cleaned the base on Thursday. We washed the aircraft on Tuesday. We all worked well together at first. I was learning so much with all of the different disease processes / trauma I was being exposed to. I was also meeting so many people. I loved going to other hospitals and teaching classes. I especially loved getting to land at health fairs, schools and carnivals. My favorite was talking to children about safety. I'll never forget how proud Josh looked when we landed at his elementary school.
Yes, that is me at the end of the ladder in the picture below.
Now back to the attention seeking me. Do I regret my behavior? Absolutely! I thank God every day for Perry and the love we have for each other. It truly is a miracle because I can promise you, it was VERY UGLY throughout periods of the next several years. Do I regret meeting CCNA? No, I regret being unfaithful to Perry. I actually don't have any ill feelings toward CCNA. I'm sure Perry feels differently. I don't blame him. CCNA ended up leaving his wife before I ran the marathon in February of 2007. I thought we would end up together. Once we started having serious talks about being together, I realized our agendas were not the same. The first thing he did after leaving his wife, was have a vasectomy because he was adamant about not having any more children. I didn't want any more children either. My boys were older. He was also adamant about never getting remarried again. At first I thought he was just bitter about the amount of alimony he was required to pay. A year later, he was still adamant about never remarrying. I began to realize he couldn't leave North Carolina because of Nascar, as well as his son. I wasn't going to move my children away from Perry. He was a great dad, even if he didn't know I was alive. CCNA and I talked less and less. I went to see him one weekend after I had started working at Lifesaver. I was a nutcase. I was so messed up. I had always loved Perry, but we had major communication issues. I was concerned if getting seperated and potentially divorced would make me a failure or warp my children. I thought I loved CCNA. I know I needed his stability and honesty. Now, CC was in the picture as this young, sweet talking country boy. I didn't hide my emotions well on the trip to see CCNA. He looked through my phone and read all the text between me and CC. I left coming back home that night (at his request). He called to make sure I made it home safely. It was very late when I left. I was very upset. Surprisingly enough, CCNA called several days later. He took his share of the responsibility for our relationship becoming very distant. We tried to make it work after that, but it just wasn't meant to be. I called a few years later after I heard he had gotten remarried and had adopted her son. We talked once more for me to apologize for all of the things I said to him in my previous call. We said our goodbyes, well wishes and moved on.
Everything was starting to unravel by spring of 2008. At home, Perry and I had officially separated. At first we both agreed for it to be civil. We agreed to joint custody. Perry had gone through 4 jobs in 2 years because of the economy crashing. My grandfather, step-dad, and several uncles had worked in the mines. Perry decided he was going to get completely out of the mortgage industry and work in the mines. He was initially put on night shift. I would have the boys on my off days and he would have them on the nights I worked and on his off days. His mom went to his house and kept them when he left at night to go to work. She would get them ready and take them to school the following day. Perry's mom and I had never had a great relationship, but divorcing over my infidelity definitely didn't help matters at all! There were many ugly words said between us. There were many ugly words said between my mom and myself. My mom was mortified I had an affair. She helped Perry get settled into his apartment giving him towels and sheets. Sam formed his own opinion and told one of his friends, I left Perry because he lost his job and couldn't buy me what I wanted anymore. I'm not sure if being a slut or a gold digger is worse!?!?!?
I'm going to be brutally honest and I'm sure make several mad in the process. No doubt there are many readers enjoying reading about my infidelities and our marital struggles. Don't enjoy it too much! God has a sense of humor. I can promise you that. There are many former co-workers of mine at Lifesaver who will be appalled I am sharing this time in my life and being so transparent about it. Some will cringe hoping their significant other doesn't read it. It might give the significant others doubts and / or bring up bad memories for them. Yes, I had undiagnosed mental illness. Yes, I was struggling with several issues; depression, borderline personality disorder, self identity issues, self esteem and self image issues just to name a few. Lifesaver brought out several of my symptoms and issues. Would my symptoms have been as uncontrollable as they were if I had worked with different group of people, at a different base, or under a different director? Those are "what if" questions I will never know. Whenever I am trying to make a point with Perry and I start the "what if" statements, he has a couple of different responses. His most frequently used one is, "What if my aunt had balls? She'd be my uncle". In my opinion, Lifesaver didn't promote having affairs per se, but they certainly didn't do anything to inhibit them. Management turned a blind eye to it.
I was totally enamored by CC. I would like to hope in the beginning, he was just as infatuated with me. We tried to hide our relationship at first, but as time went on, it was obvious. Literally everyone knew it. Perry even knew it. I would sleep in the medic room (on the single bed in a sleeping bag) at night with CC. There were so many other shenanigans going on at our base throughout 2008, people really didn't seem to care what we were doing! At least we weren't hiding what we had going on. We had a married pilot and a married flight nurse who were having an affair as well. They made the mistake of acting as if they were smarter than everyone else. These 2 thought we would believe all of the, "OH MY GOD's" coming out of the pilot's bedroom were them having bible study. Seriously, that is the excuse we heard from them. We had another nurse with mental health issues and a substance abuse issue. The substance abuse had gotten so out of control as time went on, it turned into a homeless issue. This nurse was living at the base. Most of the flight crew had other jobs because we had 72 hours off in between shifts. There were times this nurse wouldn't be there due to working a 2nd job, but it had gotten obvious the base had become their home.
One morning after a particularly crap night with some divorce drama at home, I went to work. The nurse I was following asked me if I was alright. I was not good at compartmentalizing and hiding my emotions during this time. I don't even remember what had occured at home. I do remember using my thumb and pointer finger to make a gun toward my head and acting as if I was going to shoot myself in the head with my finger gun. I honestly didn't think anything about it. At this point, I was NOT suicidal in any way. I was mad and frustrated. The nurse I followed this morning was known to be a little "bizarre". Not only was this nurse involved in the affair I described above, this nurse did really strange things. Most of us had a change of clothes in addition to having our flight suits. This particular nurse would bring BAGS of underwear and leave them around the base. They would be found on the dining room table, in the closet, on the floor. There were many other bizarre things, but that is one we never figured out. As the day progressed, this nurse never left the base. I thought maybe the pilot was coming in and they were going to have praise somewhere. I noticed the nurse with the substance abuse problem came to the base earlier than normal. The 1st thing this nurse did was take a nap on the couch. The base was getting crowded with 2 extra people but I wasn't really concerned with it. CC was there so I had spent the morning in the medic room. Getting paid while waiting on a flight is pretty sweet. Getting paid having sex while waiting on a flight adds whipped cream and a cherry to the sweetness. Close to 7pm, one of the other nurses calls me to the living room. CC comes with me. Both nurses are there. I am told to go home. Apparently my air gun from earlier in the am had raised concern about my mental instability. Without my knowledge, the nurse I followed had been asked to stay in case we had gotten called for a flight. The other nurse was asked to come in to fly as well, so CC could leave with me and stay with me that night. Both nurses at the base were also medics and could fly as a nurse or medic. I was so pissed! I had been there all day and no one, not even CC had said a word. No one bothered to ask if I was ok. Did I need help? Was I ok to fly? And to throw salt on the wound, these were the two 'more stable crew members' they chose to replace me with?
As it turned out, both of those nurses were dismissed from the company within the year. I don't know why nurse underpants was released of flight nurse duties. In all honesty, I could care less. I know very well why the other nurse was released of nurse duties. It was because I called the regional manager of Lifesaver and reported the drug use. We all suspected what was going on. We were all turning a blind eye to it because we all loved this nurse. However, it was out of control! When I looked at our narcotic log and realized this nurse had signed narcotics out under their own name, I knew it had to be done. I took that as a cry for help. Sadly, when I called the regional manager and reported it, I was asked if I was doing it in retaliation because I was sent home for mental instability. Never did I get a thank you for bringing this to my attention. If anything, I had put myself on the radar to be watched. I don't regret reporting the drug use. I have no doubt this nurse wouldn't be alive right now if I wouldn't have reported the many times the drug count was off and other obvious signs of addiction. Ironically, that nurse is back working as flight nurse now as I'm typing out my life story in hopes of helping someone.
If I had to describe CC today to someone, I would say he started out as a adorable tiger cub. He was playful and protective. His temper rarely came out and when it did, it was fueled by jealousy. The tiger cub grew some as he aged and developed the personality of a fox. He became very sly and mischievous. This is the time frame he moved from our base to another base. His second base is where he was nicknamed Casanova. At the end of the 2 year relationship, the tiger cub had become a full grown Tiger. He didn't think twice about the damage his previous attacks had caused. The most dangerous part about him, is regardless of which stage he was in, he never talked like a tiger. He never resembled one either. He looked more like a cute kangaroo who wanted you to feed him. He was very friendly and approachable. The problem was he liked to be fed from other men's fields. Often times, he would graze in multiple fields at the same time. Once the owner of the field found out, the grass wasn't as tasty anymore and he moved on. I knew I wasn't his first married mistress. I should've known I wouldn't have been his last.
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