My name is Flight Nurse - Part 2

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times. It was a real life soap opera- Days of Our LifeSaver, as the Rotor Turns. It was the the easiest job I ever had, while also being the hardest and most demanding job, mentally and physically. It was fun and exciting, while also being boring at times. It was rewarding, yet traumatizing and sad. It became toxic. It was the job that broke my marriage. It was the job that finally broke me mentally.

Whenever people find out I am a nurse, they usually smile and say something to the extent of that's good. Often they tell me other nurses they know and where they work to see if I know them. Whenever people find out I'm a former flight nurse, I usually get one of the following questions or comments:

Wow! That's cool!

I bet you've seen a lot of stuff!

What's the worse thing you've ever seen?

Do you miss it?

Did you make a lot of money doing that?

To answer those questions:

Yes, it was a cool job! Not just the flying, but we did a lot of PR activities I really enjoyed.

Yes, I saw more things than I ever care to remember. Probably one reason I have PTSD now.

The flight I'm most bothered by was an infant drowning. I can still see the soaked diaper.

I did miss it, but I know physically, I'm not able to work anywhere, especially not flying.

NO!!! It didn't pay well. The job was in high demand so it didn't need to pay well.

As I talk about being a flight nurse, my plan is not to talk about the flights. It was an experience in my nursing career I will forever be thankful for. I learned so many things about nursing and people. The picture above is a single car scene flight. The patient is trapped under the dash. That's me in the lifesaver hat looking down starting an IV. There are several flights I will never forget, but there are three flights that changed my life in a positive way, that I will forever hold close to my heart. I will share about those later. As always, the purpose of this blog is to share my experience with mental illness. My hope is by sharing, the stigma of being mentally ill will decrease and help others not only become educated, but speak out when they are struggling and need help.

It's 2007, professionally I thought I had reached the pinnacle of my career. Being a flight nurse is what I had worked to become! After my initial freak out on the first flight, I managed to get my act together. I was progressing well. Personally, my life was a wreck! Sam was 12 and started to know it all. He definitely knew more than I did and didn't mind telling me. Josh was 10 and defiant as ever! He really did know more than I did. He was a genius! They were both at the age where I wasn't needed or wanted as much in their lives. They didn't need much help with their homework. I had learned the trick where they asked for help, and I ended up doing the homework! That had stopped. Both boys could maintain their own hygiene and decide what clothes to wear. Although, until Josh left home the last time, I still had to tell him to take a shower, brush his teeth, and wear clean clothes. They both played baseball. Perry continued to coach them. I was really more of a referee to keep them from hurting each other. These two boys are as opposite as my sister and I.

Perry was still engrossed in work, so I did the same. A few years before, CCNA had moved around some at his job. He still worked for the same owner, but had changed teams and was promoted to crew chief from car chief. His new team worked with one of the most popular nascar drivers. CCNA was not one to be in the spotlight, and it was not a good outcome. He had started to become distant because of the publicity. While he was crew chief and for a while afterwards, he couldn't be seen with me. He was photographed as crew chiefs often are, and his wife was even receiving press time. After he didn't work out as crew chief, CCNA went to research and development. He didn't travel much with this position so I really didn't see him often. This happened right about the same time Cowboy Casanova (CC) and I met. Once we met the morning after my 1st scene flight, I started running into CC more often. We would talk a good bit. We all know by now I'm all about getting attention!

CC and I talked about my boys. We talked about his life as a firefighter. We talked about religion. We talked about his family. He presented himself as being big into his family and religion. He had been previously married, but was now divorced. I honestly don't remember if he said his ex-wife had been unfaithful, or if he just eluded to it, but he made it known she wasn't an honest person. We were getting very close when I told him it wasn't a good idea to get involved with me. I gave him fair warning. I told him I was a mess. I even told him I had a husband and a boyfriend. He told me to let him decide what he wanted to do. He was grown. In all honesty, he was 11 years younger than me. I wasn't initially physically attracted to him. I thought he had pretty eyes. It was the Southern, Christian, country boy charm that fascinated me to begin with. It was the 1st time I sat in his lap and realized that wasn't just a really big syringe in his flight suit that intrigued me more than anything.

The first time we kissed was after a "clean up" day at the Sylacauga base. The whole crew was there. It was getting close to time for our base to open. Our base was located at the Sylacauga airport FBO. It was a really nice set up. Above the FBO was a 3 bedroom, 2 bathroom apartment we used. It had a kitchen, dining room, laundry room, and living room as well. The pilot, nurse, and medic each had a bedroom. The bedroom with the bathroom belonged to the pilots. They worked 12 hour shifts so their room had 2 twin beds. The nurse and medic rooms had one twin bed. Omniflight bought our furniture. We went that day to clean up, put things together, and organize. At the end of the day as everyone was leaving, CC told me he would pull over before he turned off to go home so we could talk. He did and before I drove off, we kissed. Becoming his "doll" had been several months in the making.

I was still talking and texting with CCNA but hadn't seen him in a while. It was harder now since I was working some weekend shifts. Perry and I were still business partners raising the boys. He would use me as his blow up Barbie at his convenience. CC made me feel like I was significant in his life so I focused my attention on him at this time. We were both scheduled to work at the Birmingham base. I'm not sure how that happened. The weather was horrible and all of the helicopters were grounded. We asked if we could go to our base and decorate. We had bought some pictures and knick knacks from hobby lobby for the nurse and medic rooms. We were also going to paint in the living room. We were granted permission but told not to stay overnight. We worked for several hours painting, decorating, and hanging curtains. We took breaks as needed and 'tried out' some of the new furniture to see if it was steady.

The base opened at 7pm one night in early January, 2008. The medical crew was me and CC. I honestly thought with it being the 1st night in service and a brand new base, we wouldn't do any flights. I was SO WRONG! We weren't even in service 15 min before we were dispatched to a scene flight. I was scared I would freeze again since this was my 1st time to not have an experienced flight crew member with me. CC held my hand on the way to the scene. Upon arrival, it was overwhelming. We were the 3rd helicopter in. There was a car sideways on the stairs of a building. As our pilot was circling the scene for the final recon, CC mouthed to me it's ok and gave me a quick kiss. We landed and were directed to our patient. As if things couldn't get worse, it was a unresponsive pediatric patient. Unknown name, unknown age. I seriously considered finding a corner so I could crawl into the fetal position, suck my thumb, cry, and rock back and forth, but I sucked it up. As we were in flight to Children's, thankfully the patient regained consciousness and I heard two beautiful words come from the patient's mouth - You 'tupid. I had never been so happy in my life to be called stupid! I smiled and laughed. The patient must've really thought I was stupid then!

We did two more flights that night. Another motor vehicle accident with a head trauma. I still remember the patient's name. Weirdly, I don't remember what the 3rd flight was. Three flights in a 12 hour shift is a lot, especially your 1st solo night. I think we stayed til almost noon the next day charting. We were both exhausted. After the charts were done, I didn't drive home. I followed CC to his house and we slept. We worked well together. I felt safe flying with him. One of my extra assignments at work was to do the schedule. I guess I was delusional thinking no one would notice I always scheduled us together. If it messed with his fire department shift, he tried to take a kelly day (off day) so we could work together.

This was a huge mess for even me! I was being a mom to two hormonal boys. Playing the role of being a wife to a husband working in the mortgage industry as the economy was collapsing. Juggling two boyfriends. Working full time in a high stress environment. Working part-time on my off days in Hyperbarics to make extra income since the economy was crashing. It's no wonder I was crazier than a crack-house rat and have PTSD now.

Most people think of PTSD as a disorder caused by time spent in the military. According to the Mayo clinic, PTSD has many causes. It can be caused by different traumatic events in addition to combat exposure such as childhood abuse, sexual violence, or physical assault. There are also risk factors for developing PTSD such as a lack of a support system, having a job that increases your risk of being exposed to traumatic events (EMS), having other mental health problems, or having blood relatives with mental health problems. Symptoms of PTSD can include avoidance, intrusive memories, negative changes in thinking and mood, and changes in physical and emotional reactions.

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