It's been a while since I've written anything. There's a couple of reasons I haven't blogged. The main reason is I know writing about the next 10 years (2007 - 2017) will be very hard for me. I've always heard when you can talk about hurtful things in your past without breaking down, you know you are healed. I truly think my healing process started in 2017. Am I healed? Not completely. I'm not sure I will truly ever be healed. I honestly think my marriage has healed. I think I have grown in so many ways. Part of the reason I am skeptical about complete healing isn't a lack of faith. I do believe with God all things are possible. I just feel God let me go through some of these trials for a purpose. There is no doubt in my mind I am still here for a reason. I'm mentally ill and scarred, but most days when my depression is under control, I know I have a purpose.
As I mentioned before, as a senior in high school (1987-88), I drove across the city of Birmingham from Hoover to Gardendale so I wouldn't have to change schools. I had issues with my mom and moved in with my adopted dad and his new wife. He was the only dad I had ever known. One afternoon, on the way home from school, there was a car accident on the interstate. The accident was just a few cars ahead of me. It involved several vehicles. I was in traffic waiting for the wreck to clear for what seemed like forever. I'm sure I had Bon Jovi blaring on the radio. I heard a loud noise and felt some vibration. I looked out my windshield to see a helicopter coming over my car, not landing far from me. It was the coolest thing I had ever seen. The people who exited the helicopter, ran to one of the cars to provide medical care. Before too long, the helicopter had hovered up and turned. It was now flying toward me while lifting up. I was mesmerized. My step-mom was a social worker and always had cool stories. I thought I wanted to be a social worker too. I didn't think too much about the helicopter again until I decided to change majors and become a nurse.
The hospital I worked at was a level 1 trauma center and the 1st hospital in the state to start an aeromedical program. The flight nurse jobs were almost impossible to obtain because no one ever left. Once I graduated nursing school in 1991, I had a plan to get all the experience I needed to one day be a flight nurse. It took 16 years and many certifications, but I finally did it. I had worked in every intensive care unit in Carraway, I had Emergency experience. I not only had the certifications required, I had achieved instructor status in those certifications. I interviewed twice before I was hired. I had given up several times. I had left to work in the OB / GYN office while my children were very young. I really thought my dream of becoming a flight nurse would never happen.
At home, I was still trying to keep up images with my family. Perry was still ignoring me. I was still seeing CCNA whenever I could manage the time away. Meanwhile we smiled and acted like the perfect couple / family. One of my friends I had worked with in Neuro ICU (NICU), who was now a flight nurse, called me and told me LifeSaver was going to open a new base in Sylacauga. There were going to be 3 nurse positions posted. She asked if I was still interested in flying and said she would put in a good word for me. I told her absolutely. It was a couple of months later, but I was in Gulf Shores with my family when I got the call asking me to come in for an interview. I wanted the job badly enough, I came home from the beach trip early for my interview. I can still tell you exactly what I wore, and how I did my hair. My friend had become the base manager at the Birmingham base so she was able to sit in on the interview, although she wasn't the one asking the questions. I think her being there made me comfortable enough to think and answer questions appropriately. The other two times I had interviewed, I was so nervous! I didn't even remember what I had been asked, much less what I had rambled out as an answer.
It was several weeks later, but I finally received the call and was offered a full time job as a flight nurse at the new base in Sylacauga scheduled to open in January of 2008. I knew two of the other nurses who were going to work there as well. There were four main nurses. We worked 24 hour shifts with 72 hours off afterwards. We flew with medics. There were also four main medics. They did the same schedule. To begin with, we did our orientation flights from the Birmingham base. I was with my friend from NICU for most of my orientation. We were hired in the fall of 2007 so we would have time to get trained and be ready to fly alone by January. LifeSaver was owned by Omniflight at this time. The helicopters used were Bell 206. Only one additional person could fly with the scheduled RN / medic at the Birmingham base because of weight restrictions. If the flight crew had a heavy total weight, the helicopter didn't have the ability to lift a patient with much weight. As you know, not many people in the South (where everything is fried), are skinny.
Let me just say, I thought I was ready to be a flight nurse until I went on my 1st scene flight. The tone went off around 1030 pm. I was full of adrenaline. I jumped in my flight suit I had packed full of supplies. I had been in the trauma room hundreds of times at Carraway and had seen every kind of trauma possible. We had an education guy who had been working with all of the new hires. We had been taking test. We had been given scenarios. We had safety drilled in our heads! I was ready to go be a hero and let the cape on my flight suit fly!
We arrive over the scene and were doing recon looking for wires and trees around the landing zone while communicating with the ground contact. My eyes were glued outside but I was so overwhelmed by all of the fire, police, and ambulance lights on the scene, I didn't see any of the wires or trees our ground contact had called out to us. We landed safely. My friend handed me the drug pouch. It contained the narcotics we carried and also the medications necessary if a patient needed to be intubated / chemically paralyzed. I exited the helicopter and take my first look at the actual scene. It was a mustang versus an 18 wheeler. Needless to say, the 18 wheeler won. We started running toward the patient we were dispatched for when I literally froze. No exaggeration. I had seen patients with open head trauma before, but not lying beside a mangled car with another body lying lifeless a few feet away. I don't know if it was sensory overload from all of the people, lights, and the sound of the rotors turning, or if it was the realization I had a very critical patient in front of me. I couldn't yell for a Dr. to come help. I was the help!
I finally snapped out of it when I heard my friend yelling at me to bring her the drugs. There were a few explicits thrown in there as well. I don't think I said a word on the way to UAB or on the flight back to Carraway. When we arrived back at base, I started crying and couldn't stop. All of the years I had worked for this job and now I wasn't sure I could handle it. My friend and I talked. She told me it was very overwhelming at first, but I had been a nurse too long to freeze and not do anything. She did apologize for her language. The following morning, our educator came in. I sat and talked with him about my experience. He told me I couldn't let fear get the best of me. He reminded me of all the test, scenarios, and additional certifications it took for me to be there. I felt like a child who had gotten a pep talk from the coach after striking out and causing my team to lose.
After speaking with him and before going home, the next orientee had come in for his shift. It was someone I had not met. He was a young guy. He introduced himself. He was going to be full time, but also worked as a fireman as most of the LifeSaver medics did. He asked about my first orientation shift. I explained it didn't go so well. He smiled at me and told me to sit down. He said it was overwhelming for everyone at first but to always remember my ABC's (airway, breathing, circulation). He asked how long I had been a nurse and where I had the most experience. I told him and we made a deal. He agreed to take care of me on scene flights from all of the distractions. I agreed to help him when we transferred patients from outlying hospitals to larger facilities with what he wasn't familiar with, such as equipment and medications.
You've heard of making a deal with the devil? Well, I'm not calling him the devil, but that's probably nicer than anything Perry has ever called him. For blog purposes, I'll call him CC for cowboy casanova.
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