Christmas can be the most wonderful time of the year for some, or the most stressful and depressing for others. I left off in my last blog of my life story in November of 2011. Perry and I had just remarried. It was about to be our first Christmas as a family again. Trust me, it definitely started with a bang! I want to do a side bar from my life story for this blog for a couple of reasons. First, it's the week of Christmas. Holiday depression and stress is real! According to the American Psychological Association in November of 2021, 38% of people surveyed said their stress increased during the holiday season. Increased stress can lead to increased mental issues such as depression, anxiety, and substance abuse. Second, the next couple of years from 2011-2013 were a living hell for me. I enjoy blogging and sincerely hope it is helping others; but sometimes I need to take things slow and recover from reliving some of the trauma as I blog about it, so please be patient with me.
Why do the holidays cause stress and anxiety? I am NOT a mental health professional. I am just mental! I can only write from my experiences and from listening to the experiences of others. My first reason is the financial stress Christmas puts on many families, especially those with children. Certainly most, if not all parents want their children to receive everything on their wish list! Unfortunately, different families are in different income brackets and it's not possible. The peer pressure these kids endure is unbelievable! Sadly, bullying is also a huge issue. No one wants their child to be the one to endure ridicule because they have the "bargain town" clothes and toys.
Another reason for holiday stress can simply be the time crunch. I can remember trying to work full-time hours, keep the boys schedule (including sports), decorate the house, and try to take care of myself physically, all while searching for a babysitter so we could go shopping. While shopping, we had to deal with the crowds to get the best deals on the hottest craze for toys and imperative gifts they couldn't live without. Once the gifts were bought, there still had to be time to assemble them, if Santa brought them. If it was a gift from mom and dad, it had to be wrapped. And of course, there had to be the perfect Christmas card mailed out every year. I don't know what is going on in the heads of those people who bake for the holidays!
Another reason Christmas (and the entire holiday season) can be stressful is loss. I know this will be the 1st Christmas for some of you without your significant other, parent(s), or even a child. This may not be the 1st holiday season without them, but the loss of a loved one never goes away. Sure, we learn to live with it, but there is always an emptiness. I haven't lost a parent yet, except for my biological father, whom I didn't know. I wasn't even aware of his death until several years after his passing. However, I looked at my grandparents as my parents. I remember how I felt during the holidays following their passing. The holidays can be a very lonely time for many.
The biggest stressor of the holidays to me is FAMILY! I don't mean for this to sound as rude and ungrateful as it probably does, but it's true! Perry and I both have divorced parents. Instead of two family Christmas celebrations', we have four. Not to mention, we have our children to try to spend time with as well. I also have friends, I consider family. Sam just visited for a week from Arizona. While he was here, we had multiple plans to try to see everyone. I was scheduling time with everyone and putting it on the calendar. I would then send the calendar to Sam for approval. I know this sounds absolutely mad, but it's true! Sadly, we still didn't see all of the family. I was waking up at night trying to figure it out. All of the sudden, it hit me! I needed to listen to my counselor and learn to set boundaries.
My counselor and I have been working on boundaries. I have a tendency to not want to tell people no or disappoint them in any way. In reality, I end up disappointing myself and being miserable. I set my first boundaries on Thanksgiving and it felt wonderful! We usually go to my dad's side of the family in South Alabama. Sadly, I get along with the family much better than I get along with my dad. He has turned into a grump that is quite condescending and antagonizing in his old age. Please don't think I'm talking behind his back. I'll tell him directly how I feel, and quite often do.
We also chose not to go to my mom's house this year for Thanksgiving. I have a few family members that are VERY judgmental toward me. More on that to come later.... I didn't feel like dealing with them so I opted out of that family celebration as well. We offered to do something with Perry's mom since she is recently a widow, but she declined. Perry's dad and wife of 45 years, Peg, called and invited us to spend the day with them. However, we opted to spend time with my friend Julie and her family.
Am I saying I will cut these people completely out of my life? No. Family is family and unfortunately, you can't choose your family (or your spouse's family). I am saying, I can and I will choose who I allow to be in my life on a daily basis. It will be those that I feel have my best interest at heart. It will be those who don't make me mad EVERY SINGLE TIME I talk to them. It will be those who don't make me cry when I talk to them. It will be those who are TRYING to understand me, even if I am complicated. I know I'm high maintenance and often I'm a handful. I know I have borderline personality disorder (BPD). However, I also know I am several things in addition to my BPD.
I am a Christian (with tattoos). I have accepted Jesus as my Savior. I am thankful daily for God's grace and forgiveness. Without faith, this would be a much darker world
I am Marti. My nicknames are Martini and Wal-Marti. Perry calls me Beautiful. I am 51 years old. I have blue eyes. I'm 5'7. I currently weigh 173. My hair color changes, but I'm naturally blonde. I'm an organ donor. I don't roll the tide - I'm an Auburn fan and alum. War Damn Eagle!
I'm a wife and personal secretary to Perry. I would die for him without thinking twice. We have a 35 year history together. I love him more than life. He is my rock.
I am a mom who loves her boys more than mexican and margaritas' on a tropical island - and to those of you who don't know me well, that's to the moon, around it a trillion times, and back in my world! I would also jump in front of a car or bullet for either of them.
I am an animal lover who spoils her fuzzy butts daily. I prefer them to most people.
I am a friend who is SO VERY THANKFUL for my friends. There are a few I have boundaries with, but there are several I would take a felony for. I am going to be brutally honest. I would not be alive if it weren't for the love and support of my friends. They are the ones who have literally saved me. These are the friends who have supported me at my worst. These are the friends who have sat at the hospital and on the phone with me for hours. These are the friends who know me and love me for everything I am, and everything I'm not.
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I am a goofball. I will usually say and do what most people wouldn't - like putting their weight on a blog. I mean people can look at me and tell I'm not avoiding the Reese's cups. No point in adding liar to the list of things I am.
I am a Pancan volunteer. I am the team captain for the Carraway Cancer Killers PurpleStride team and also the Outreach Chair for Alabama Affiliate for Pancreatic Cancer Association (Pancan).
I am a daughter, niece, and aunt. I'm not only Aunt Marti to my biological nieces and nephews. I'm Aunt Marti to several of my friends children and grandchildren.
I am an advocate to Save the Star. The former Carraway star will now be saved and shine again on top of the new development by Corporate Realty at The Star Uptown at the former Carraway Hospital location.
I am a former runner. I have completed 13 half marathons, 1 full marathon, numerous 5k's and 10k's. The time spent running with my friends is some of my best memories. Jess and Kay are my non biological sisters. I trust them with my life. My boys and Perry even ran a few races with me.
I am a medical disaster! I am treated by an internal medicine MD, cardiologist, pulmonologist, endocrinologist, and psych.
I am a RN of 30 years with professional certifications in flight nursing and emergency nursing. I am no longer working due to being a medical disaster, but once a nurse, always a nurse.
I am a shopper! It is one of my most favorite things to do. I can shop for anything for anyone. I'm especially happy when I'm shopping for myself. As Carrie Bradshaw once stated, "I like to see my money hanging in my closet." I should more accurately say I like to see Perry's money hanging in my closet since I have no money now.
I am now a boundary enforcer. I will (try to) no longer allow myself to get derailed and spend weeks in bed because I allowed someone to trigger me. I can't control what they do or say to me; however, I can control if I allow myself to be subjected to them and their repeated patterns of behavior.
Life is hard and has enough challenges on it's on. The holidays often magnify all of these challenges! The assignment given to me from my counselor is to not cut everyone out of my life. It is to set healthy boundaries and take notice of who is trying. She reminded me today, we all fall short. She also reminded me; I am a rockstar! I'm a rockstar because even when I screw up, I'm still trying. I'm compliant with my counseling. I'm compliant with my meds. I'm compliant with my emergency plans. I AM MORE than my BPD and THAT is what is important.
I am Marti. I am one in five with mental illness. I will learn to set and enforce boundaries. I will be cognizant of who sits in my front row of life. I will survive the holidays and hopefully even enjoy them!
Wishing you all a safe and Very Merry Christmas.
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