I was almost there. I was so close to being out of nursing school. I had gotten a scholarship from Carraway. The hospital was paying for my school in agreement that I would work for them one year for every year of school they paid for. I was only in for two years. I had already worked at Carraway for a year and I loved it. I was still living with Alex and my mom was still not communicating with me. My emotions were everywhere. I felt so empty. I had horrible self esteem. I couldn't figure out why my mother didn't love me now. I already struggled with why my biological dad walked away. I never understood why or how he could abuse two innocent little girls. Were we that bad? I was told stories when I was older about how I was a good baby. My grandmother would laugh when telling me she would always find me asleep with my hand in the slop bucket for the pigs. She told me I would go sneak and eat it. Disgusting, right? I have also been told there was some question about my mental and intelligence level when I was a baby / toddler. They were worried because I would walk into walls. Instead of being challenged, they realized I was just half blind. I was told I had to be watched closely because I hated my glasses. I would throw them out the car window or put them in the coal burning stove. I have no doubt those stories are true!
So I don't have any meaningful relationships at this point. SOB and I are still together but it has never been good. I felt as if my biological parents didn't love me. I started to question why would they even have me just to give custody of me to my grandparents. I didn't communicate with Alex much because he was strict (military) and it was his way or the highway (still is). I often had guilt for having any type of relationship with him because my mom discouraged it after their divorce. I know there is ALWAYS 3 sides to every story; his, hers and the truth, but I was 20 years old. I was just caught up in a bunch of he said, she said shit. My mom felt as if I betrayed her by seeing Alex after the divorce because he wasn't my real dad. She was very bitter because he had cheated on her and left her for the "other woman". Alex felt as if I should see him because he paid child support on me and had agreed to pay for half of my college. Plus, he said I was really his daughter. I really didn't think it could get much worse. I was wrong.
Exactly 9 months from the time I am expected to graduate from nursing school, I realize I am pregnant. I am mortified. My mom still isn't speaking to me. I'm not communicating with Alex very much. I had basically moved in with SOB and his parents. His parents were both great and I loved his little sister. I slept in the guest room but obviously I snuck downstairs to his room some nights. Now don't think that my mom hadn't expressed her opinion on teens / young adults (especially unwed) having babies. I had always been told since the skipping church incident, if I ever became pregnant, she hoped I would have enough sense to abort the baby. I know this sounds horrible but at the time she was saying this, she was a single mom, raising 3 kids, very bitter about her divorce, and (according to her) working two full time jobs because Alex wasn't paying child support. Alex has a different story about the child support. Also, at the time of my pregnancy, my sister had recently given birth to a child she had become pregnant with by a man she swears she didn't know was married. She actually met someone while she was pregnant and they married before she had the baby. She was struggling financially though and I saw that struggle. Once I told SOB I was pregnant, his reaction said it all. He was furious. He let me know really quickly I wasn't going to ruin his life with a baby. I knew having an abortion was what I needed to do.
Before you start making a lot of judgemental comments on my blog or in your mind, I want to remind you, none of you have walked in mine or my mother's shoes. This was a decision that I made at 20 years old without any family or significant other support. I have lived with regret and fear since. There are many days I question if that would have been my little girl. There are many days I wonder if things that happen later in my life are a result of this decision. There are days I look back now and wonder if I could have been strong enough to have had the baby and still graduated from nursing school. There are days I'm thankful I didn't so I have absolutely no ties to SOB. There are days I wonder if it would have altered my future with Perry. There were days I wondered if Josh's seizures were punishment. There are days I wonder if something will happen to one of my children as punishment. I will never know these things. The one thing I do know is I am forgiven. While I still struggle sometimes with this decision, I know God has forgiven me. I am learning to forgive myself, and that takes a lot of time.
After the abortion, I was really depressed. I was struggling to feel as if I had any purpose. BPD patients also experience many other mental health issues such as depression, anxiety, eating disorders, PTSD, and substance abuse. I was still clinging to SOB. I needed a place to live nearby and someone to give me attention that I so craved, even if it was negative attention.
I finally graduated from nursing school! As I was graduating, SOB bought me an engagement ring. I don't think I ever had any intentions of marrying him, but I also had no intentions of being alone. I started working in Neuro ICU at Carraway. I was hired to work 11pm-7am, 7 days on / 7 days off. While I was doing my orientation, I was on the 7am-3pm shift. Carraway was a Level 1 trauma center and teaching facility. In neuro ICU, we received all of the head trauma from the bad car accidents', gun shots', stabbings, suicides and industrial accidents. We also received all of the new interns and residents. All of the sudden, I was the star of the show. I had been sad and lonely but this was a brand new world! I was 21 now, blonde, blue eyed, small, and ready to take on the world. I started getting attention from several of the interns and residents and I went wild! I broke up with SOB. I definitely wasn't putting up with nonsense anymore. I was making my own money (a whopping $12.15/hr was the starting new hire nurse pay). I was the NICU malibu Barbie and "baby nurse". I had resident's asking me out on dates. My mom had called and we had talked. She had divorced loud mouth ass again. She explained to me she had to hang up on me because ass was threatening to call the Alabama Board of Nursing and report me as mentally unstable. Mom said she did it to protect me and make sure I was able to get a nursing license. Once I passed my boards and had a license, she told ass to leave. I actually moved back in with her so I could save money for my own place.
I finally felt like I was going to survive. I didn't feel so empty anymore. I really did feel like I was on top of the world. My grandparents and one of my relatives gave me a down payment for a new car. I traded my base cavalier in and bought me a 1991 electric blue Mitsubishi Eclipse. I loved my job in NICU. I was making friends I would have for a lifetime. I was having fun getting attention. I was making a reputation for myself that would follow me for a lifetime. Not many people can say they have had sex in a hospital elevator! I was going on dates to concerts on meeting people that would influence my life to this day. And then one day, I decided I wanted to get my nails done and life was forever changed again.
The part of that story I remember is how intelligent you were and still are!