We all have issues. I always joke I have more than Time Magazine. We all have a past. Most of us have skeletons in our closet. Some of us have a mausoleum, morgue, or cemetery. We are all a little broken in our own way, but as the picture says, broken crayons still color. I actually have this picture hanging in my kitchen. In a previous blog, I mentioned my nextdoor neighbors when we lived in Gardendale. My boys and their children were all like siblings, especially the younger two. One of the things the four of them would do with pieces of broken crayons is melt them together and place them in small circular molds. When they dried, they looked like quarter sized tie-dyed crayons. They made something different and pretty from something broken, but it still colored, which was the main purpose of the crayon in the first place.
I'm going to go rogue on this blog and not talk about the progression of my life and mental illness as I have in previous blogs. Today, I want to address mental illness and the ignorance of where we are in understanding it as a general population. As always, this is a generalization, and not everyone is ignorant when it comes to understanding and accepting mental illness. My entire life, I've heard others make comments such as, "she's crazy, he's nuts" etc... I have been guilty of it myself, especially when dealing with patients at times that are "extra". The truth is, I think we're all a little nuts. I think the people who are dangerous, are the ones who don't realize they are a little nutty. These are the ones who are constantly trying to help by giving you recommendations of things to make you feel better. Meanwhile, at home, they have a closet full of coats made of human skin and lots of bottles of lotion. Yes, you know the type!
Now, to discuss education vs. intelligence. First and foremost, let me state my opinion on the matter. This is only my opinion derived from working in multiple places since I was 16 years old and having contact with people from a wide range of social, cultural and educational backgrounds. No, I do not think a formal education makes someone more intelligent than someone else. I think a formal education provides opportunities that may not arise without a formal education. An example of this I can give you is the difference between a BSN and a ADN. I graduated in 1991 with my ADN (Associates Degree in Nursing). In 2013, I went back to school and graduated in 2014 with my BSN (Bachelors of Science in Nursing). I was a Registered Nurse after each graduation. In 1991, I took the same nursing boards as the candidates who graduated from a BSN program. I did the same job. However, when it came to advancement in my career, a requirement desired (especially for a management position) was a BSN. My desire was never management, but flight nursing. The more initials you had behind your name, the more attractive you looked on paper. When I was hired at Vanderbilt Lifeflight, I was told to sign all my emails with Marti Scarborough, EMT, RN, BSN, CEN, CFRN. That is one of a thousand reasons I'm not "Vanderbilt material". Most of the time, I don't even sign things with my last name!
The definition of education is the process of receiving or giving systematic instruction, especially at a school or university. The definition of intelligence is the ability to acquire and apply knowledge and skills. So, to the point, am I educated? Yes. When it came to emergency and flight medicine, I knew a lot. I had two professional certifications and was an instructor in basic life support, advanced life support, pediatric life support, and trauma core curriculum. I may be crazy but I could take care of you. Am I intelligent? Yes, but only in certain areas. I absolutely DESPISE history, geography, and politics. I can get lost in downtown Birmingham. I would look like a fool on a trivia show. I would run if anyone asked me a question about Counties, Countries, or Continents. What I am intelligent about though is knowing when to keep my mouth shut.
Ok, so now that I've given you all a minute to recover from my last sentence about keeping my mouth shut, I'll continue. Although I'm not historically known for keeping my mouth shut, when it is a topic I am not educated in, I will stay quiet. You will never hear me ague politics, history, or geography. I will never mention any past wars, unless it is one that involves me and Perry. This is the problem I have with society and mental illness today. Generally speaking, everyone has an opinion and preconceived notion about us "crazies", but they haven't been educated about mental illness. Everyone wants to vocalize their opinion on mental illness. There has been a lot of this in the media lately since the olympics, especially with Simone Biles withdrawing from several events. I can also give you several examples from my personal life.
One of the biggest things Perry and I continue to struggle with is my mental illness. This has been a common theme in several of my past relationships. I consider Perry to be fairly intelligent. He is in management at his job. He doesn't have a college degree, although he has several years of college classes. Since very early in our marriage, he has always made more than I have financially. Right now, he is our sole support. In all honesty, even if I were able to work full time, he would still be bringing home about 4x what I would be making as a full time RN at a local hospital. He can tell you anything and everything about cars. He knows everything and more you'll ever want to know about mining. He knows most things about baseball, and is very knowledgeable about football (both college and pro). When it comes to mental illness, diagnosis, and treatment, he is truly one of the most ignorant people I've ever dealt with. I know this may sound harsh, but it's true. Perry doesn't have mental illness. Perry doesn't have a family history of mental illness. Perry doesn't understand what the hell is wrong with me. He has read about it and I have read things to him specifically about my diagnoses. He is still calling BS and making statements such as, "I bet I can find something on the internet that says the exact opposite". He is in no way abusive. He will meet all of my physical needs bringing me food, drinks, and taking care of the house. He says he just doesn't have more than one day of coddling in him.
I'm not just picking on Perry. Whenever I am depressed, my dad always asks me what happened to upset me. I can tell him nothing happened, it's just the way I am wired. He can't understand. He tells me something has to have happened or I wouldn't be upset. I don't even talk to my mom when I'm depressed or upset. I learned not to open up to her MANY years ago. She would either ignore the fact I was upset and talk about trivial things such as the weather, or do the same thing as my dad and keep asking me what happened. It usually turned into a fight because she always would ask me if I did something I shouldn't have. I've never felt like I could openly talk to my mom about my mental health because she has always been one to make fun of people who "takes nerve pills" and has to be coddled. It's like people think we chose to sit around and be depressed. I've had several people tell me they could think of past things and be upset, they just chose not too. Trust me, It's not just sitting around thinking of the past or worrying about the future. It is a feeling of total darkness and self hatred that cannot be described.
One of my friends is an ER nurse. Her husband is friends with Perry. I don't remember how I ended up talking to him this particular day, if it was in person while he was at our house or if he had called and I answered, but he asked me some advice about trying to cheer his wife up. He said she had been very irritated. She had gained weight. She didn't like her job. She was always in a bad mood and didn't feel well often. This was in the middle of covid. I asked him if he thought she was depressed. He said he couldn't think of anything she would be depressed about. He said he knew she had taken medicine several years ago for depression, but thought it was situational. I suggested she might need to go see someone and start an antidepressant and/or antianxiety medication. I was shocked when he asked me if she would still be able to work if she took any medication. I answered absolutely! I told him I thought all nurses should be on something. I even joked they should have an ativan lick at the door so the nurses could get along with each other, the doctors, and the patients. He told me he thought it was scary to know people saving lives could be on antidepressants and antianxiety meds. I tried to keep my mom voice in check when I asked him if he thought nurses should be happy and mentally unaffected (especially ER nurses in a pandemic) when they were seeing patients die day after day. When on normal occasions they take abuse from patients and families. The patients definitely aren't at their best or they wouldn't be in the ER. The families are scared and don't care if you just did CPR on a 5 year old; they asked for that blanket 20 minutes ago and you didn't bring it. By the end of the shift, you might have been kicked at, punched at, cursed at, spit at, puked on, peed on and who knows what else. I LOVED being a nurse but there was NEVER a day I remember walking out of the ER singing zippity do da. The only thing I can recall being happy about was my shift being over.
Sadly, the worst part of 'mental health ignorance' as I'm going to call it, often occurs in the medical field. Trust me, I get it! It is frustrating to be getting your butt kicked at work in an ER with chest pains and people that can't breathe and then find out you have another patient coming in who is a suicide attempt. I cringe when I think about some of the things I have heard people say to these patients. I've honestly heard nurses tell these patients I'll tell you how to do it successfully next time.
The thing I want to remind all of my medical friends is first of all, mental illness is real. Secondly, your job is to care for the sick, not judge them. You wouldn't judge an obese person who smokes being treated for a heart attack and tell them next time you can teach them how to successfully chain smoke enough to die of a heart attack. You also wouldn't tell a diabetic patient in a diabetic coma, next time to eat more cake. I know this sounds silly, but if you think about it, it's all the same. There shouldn't be a stigma with just mental health. I can tell you after my suicide attempt (which I'll detail in a later blog), I could tell within the first 5 minutes of the nurse being in my room, if they were compassionate and understood mental illness or not. I can also tell you, I became a much better nurse after my suicide attempt. As humans, let's please educate ourselves on the disease, causes, and treatments of mental illness. If you chose not to, that's ok. Just know when to keep your mouth shut if you don't want to show your ignorance.
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