I really tried for our relationship to recover. Everything became so awkward. I wasn't sure how to even act around Perry anymore. I felt like my only purpose was to "service" him whenever he wanted to be serviced. I had my role as mother to our boys. I was primarily the one that did homework and the night time routine. I always arranged my schedule so I could be team mom and class mom. I tried my best to make up all of my mistakes to Perry, Sam, and Josh. We had some fun times together. I made it a point to plan things for us to do as a couple and as a family. Perry and I took a trip to Hawaii together and had a great time. Occasionally, there were glimpses of hope when I could see love in Perry's face. Regrettably, there were more times of pain and anger, I could see in his eyes. This is when I became his blow up Barbie.
In 2004, he started a new job as a sales rep for a mortgage lender. It was much more demanding and time consuming. He was traveling out of state at least once monthly for sales meetings. As his job demands increased, the need for me to be home handling things also became more frequent. Our time together became less frequent. Thankfully, his salary and commision was enough for me to go from part-time to "fill in" at the OB / GYN office. I continued to work my 4 hour princess shifts at Carraway to keep my skills and knowledge up. The less I worked, the more I ran for my sanity.
It seemed as if everything were one viscous cycle. Perry was holding on to his anger, which made him disregard my feelings and not have any respect for me. His lack of affection toward me, brought out the worst in me. I started acting out and reverted back to my self destructive behaviors. I was calling CCNA. It wasn't long before our friendly conversations turned into trip planning. I honestly don't remember how much time passed before I saw CCNA again, but I know it wasn't long.
In addition to not remembering how long it was before I saw CCNA again, I don't remember where I saw him at for the first time again was. I think I have tried so hard to put all of this behind me, I have blocked it out. I can remember several places we met. I'm just not sure of the timeline. We went to the beach once. He had never been to the Gulf Coast. He rented a cabin in the mountains for a long weekend around the holidays one year. We met several times outside of Atlanta. There was a huge mall there. We would go shopping. There were a couple of runs he did with me and a few of my friends. One was in Nashville, TN. One was is Charlotte, NC. I saw him if his team came to Talladega, and usually Atlanta, to test the car. I saw him twice a year at the fall and spring races in Talladega. There were also several other tracks I traveled to, mostly with Susan, where CCNA and I spent some time together. If Susan couldn't go, I would travel with my friend and co-worker, who also worked for Nascar. Ironically, people at the hospital assumed I was having an affair with him. The reality was, he was my wingman.
I know this sounds like we saw each other all the time. Please realize, it wasn't like that! This lasted over 6, yes S-I-X, years. Did I think I loved him? Yes. Do I think I loved him now? No. Not in a romantic way. I say that because I don't think about him now. I don't have any ill feelings toward him; however, I can't say the same for Perry. Rarely, I will have a reminder of CCNA if a specific song is played. My thoughts usually go to Perry instead of CCNA though. I try to stop the song from playing, or if we aren't together, I wonder if Perry heard it too. I've tried to explain to Perry, it was never about sex. I really only saw him 3-4 times per year. It was about feeling like I mattered to someone. It was waking up to a text telling me to have a good day. There were times I saw him we didn't have sex. There were times I saw him, I wanted to strangle his northern ass!
I know some of you are wondering how in this world Perry and I worked our marriage out. Two words: God's grace. I know some of you are running out of synonyms for slut to call me. Before you get too judgy and self righteous, my behavior was an example of classic borderline personality disorder (BPD). I had an appointment with my counselor recently. As we were discussing my history and BPD, she explained BP to me in an easy to understand way. An old tree with large roots growing, bending and conforming around a rock in the tree's path is similar to a person with BPD. The tree is the person with BPD. The rock is symbolic of the childhood trauma the BPD patient is trying to overcome. The bending and conforming roots are symbolic of the often risky behaviors people with BPD exhibit while trying to cover their "rock" of trauma.
I'm not trying to excuse my behavior. I was definitely old enough to know what I was doing was wrong. I was raised in church and knew adultery was a sin. I was a horrible wife in many ways. At this time in my life, I found my worth in getting attention, especially from men. Perry found his worth in getting attention at work and being successful. He was successful as a mortgage broker. Now that he was a sales rep for a mortgage lender, he was becoming very successful. His income tripled once he became a sales rep. We finally weren't living paycheck to paycheck. We were also not living wisely. In January of 2006, our family traveled to Disney World again for my first half marathon. We also went to Jamaica in late August of 2006 on a family vacation. In between the two trips, I had three knee surgeries. In March, I had an open patellar-femoral realignment on my left knee. In May, once I was weight bearing again, I had a lateral release on my right knee. I had already had this surgery performed on my left knee in 1986. In early August, I had the screws removed from my left knee that were placed in March. When I continued to be Blow up Barbie with my knees in splints and ice on them, I became more defiant than ever. Not only was I acting out by continuing to have a relationship with CCNA, I was shopping and buying lots and lots. I also made sure my boys had everything and anything they needed and wanted as well. I didn't leave Perry out either. I made sure he was well dressed too. Now, I know those of you who know me well are laughing, thinking I am still a shopaholic! Yes, I do love to shop. I am very spoiled, extra, and bougie. I know these things. Even so, I am so much better than I was during these years. I PROMISE! I am a reformed slut now. I can't quit everything at once! It is a process.
My biggest physical accomplishment came from me being hard headed and Perry doubting me. After the half marathon in Disney, my knees were really hurting. He was trying to be funny and asked me if I was going to run a marathon next. I didn't find this humorous and answered yes. My last knee surgery of the three that year had been in August of 2006. I started training in mid September for the Mercedes Marathon. I had not run since January when I crossed the finish line in Orlando. I ran every mile I was supposed to run according to my training guide. Perry and I were still making attempts at working on our marriage. We had a date night and saw "The Pursuit of Happyness". For those of you unfamiliar with the movie, Will Smith plays a homeless single dad while trying to pursue his dream of a successful career. We left the theater full of gratitude for everything we had. The next day, as I was running at a local park, I saw Perry standing next to my car. I could tell by the look on his face something wasn't right. As I approach him, I couldn't decide if he looked upset or angry. He was both. The mortgage lender he worked for had closed that day, filing bankruptcy, and leaving him without a job, and without a $28,000 commission check he was owed. We were in a financial mess! We had frivolously spent money and had nothing in savings. Perry finally threw his blackberry from that job away when we were packing two years ago to move into our current house. He always called it his $28,000 blackberry.
I crossed the finish line on February 11, 2007 holding Sam's hand. I had several friends wait at the mile 25 marker to run the last 1.2 miles with me. I crossed the finish line with an entourage. I maintained a 13 minute mile pace and finished in 5 hour and 41 minutes, I was so proud of myself for finishing, slow or not! Perry wasn't there to see it. He had traveled out of town for a new job he was starting. CCNA came and watched but stood at a distance. No one ever knew.
This was the beginning of the economic crash of 2008. We were struggling to hang on with our existing marital issues and my mental issues. The last thing we needed were financial problems and changes in employment. Our marriage wouldn't survive these major life stressors
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