Obviously, this blog is about accusations. I've come to realize people react in different ways when falsely accused, depending on their current mental state. I've also come to realize, people get falsely accused for many different reasons. I was already planning how accusations can have affects on people for this blog. After yesterday, it was as if God was holding a sign above me reading, "This is your sign!"
When I left my story off, Perry and I had gotten married. I was working in Neuro ICU. I am now on day shift (7a-3p) still 7on / 7off. While I was working 11pm-7am, I had an attending physician that made rounds in our unit frequently always go out of his way to speak to me. I was friendly with everyone, especially males. I seeked attention because of my BPD, I just didn't realize I had BPD, or that I was attention seeking.
After I started working days, I didn't see this physician anymore. He always made his rounds early. One day, he came in a little later and I was working. He spoke to me. He said he had missed seeing my smiling face first thing in the morning. Of course, I was loving all the attention the Dr. was giving me. We'll call him Dr. Love for this blog. I didn't even really notice he started making rounds later and I was seeing him more. I don't really even know what I thought. I guess I didn't think anything. I still don't know if he ever had bad intentions.
After a month or so, Dr. Love asked me if I would be interested in coming and working in his office. He said he had never hired a RN, but he needed one because he was having complaints from patients about his staff not being thorough. He explained the job duties and it sounded great. I explained my contract with Carraway to him. We agreed I would work with him on my off week to see what we both thought. I was thrilled I was going to make extra money to help pay off our wedding loan AND get to wear cute clothes while doing it! Plus, there was no bathing or cleaning patients involved.
I was working for him full time within 3 months of Perry and I getting married. Dr. Love sent me to Dallas, Tx. for a week long continuing education class pertaining to his specialty. He said his secretary found the class and thought it would be helpful for me. I was horrified. I had never flown in an airplane. I certainly didn't want to leave Perry. Dr. Love was more than understanding and told me he would pay for Perry's flight to come with me. I would attend class during the day and at night, Perry and I could explore Dallas. I went to the first half day of class and left at the lunch break crying. I didn't understand a single thing. I called Dr. Love. He told me to take the afternoon off and he would get back with me. Perry and I tried to rent a car, but neither of us were old enough. We went to the pool and waited to hear back from the doc.
He called me back and told me not to worry about going to class the rest of the week. He said his secretary misunderstood about the class being advanced. I told him we weren't old enough to rent a car. He said just to use a taxi, have fun, and he would give me extra money when we returned home. Perry and I have always joked Dallas was our honeymoon 3 months late. We ended up having a great time at Dr. Love's expense.
When we returned home, Dr. Love offered to pay off my contract to Carraway if I would come work for him full time. I agreed. He worked at other facilities two days a week. There was one facility he went to that was located in a horrific part of town, even worse than where Carraway was located. He told me he would feel better if I rode with him when we traveled to that facility. I had no problem with it. Perry appreciated Dr. Love looking out for me. One week, after we completed our morning there and returned to the office at the Carraway campus, we both had a huge, shocking surprise. Apparently, Dr. Love had not told his wife I rode with him to that facility. We pulled up and she was at the front of the hospital calling me every name equivalent to a alut, some of which were very creative. It was lunch time on a beautiful Alabama day. There was an audience outside to witness all of the uproar. I was sent home that day (with pay). Dr. Love called both Perry and I and apologized for his wife's behavior. I had done nothing! I had no intentions of doing anything. The more time went on, the more I was accused of doing. The more I was accused, the more Dr. Love tried to do to make things up to me. I ended up with a clothing allowance, a pay raise, and a lot of time off due to the emotional distress. He even took the entire office staff and their families to the beach on Labor Day, renting us all an individual condo to try to improve office relations. It was pointless.
One afternoon, Perry was home so I stayed home with him. Dr. Love went to a different facility that day to work. Later that afternoon, Perry answered the phone to someone asking him if he knew his wife was with Dr. Love screwing him right now. Perry laughed and said my wife is actually here and just finished screwing me. We both knew I had to quit. Ironically, years later, it came out that Dr. Love's wife was the one having an affair. It was Dr. Love's secretary telling his wife I was having an affair with him. The secretary was hoping Dr. Love and his wife would divorce so she could make her move.
I went back to NICU and started working 3-11, 7on / 7off again. Dr. Love let me out of my contract because he knew it wasn't my fault. Once I got back to what I considered my home, I was welcomed by my friends. I had a huge realization though, those accusations followed me. Not only did they follow me, it made it much easier for other things to be said about me, true or not. In the beginning, being accused made me act out and flirt more. My thought process was I'll give them something to talk about. I've always been friendly, but my friendly turned to flirty and my flirting was out of control. I had no intent to act on it. I did it because I realized two things: 1) I got by with a lot of things from the docs. 2) It pissed off the haters even more. I guess I was healthier mentally at this time. It didn't send me into a depression, it made me defiant. It wasn't until several years later, accusations started to send me into a depression.
Just like there are many different personality types, there are many different types of depression. There are also many depression triggers that can spin me (and others) into a downward spiral. As always, I am by no means trying to play the role of an expert. I am using my story as an example to hopefully help others know they are not alone. In all honesty, it helps me as well to get everything all out, even though I have talked about it for years in counseling. It's therapeutic in that I can talk about it and dissect my own feelings and actions now that time has passed.
In my next blog, I'll cover more on depression and self-image / self-esteem issues in chronological order, but for now I want to jump to yesterday. Research shows the more depressive episodes one survives, the more susceptible they are to relapse. As I have aged, I have seen my reactions to false allegations progress from defiance to major depressive episodes. Allegations have definitely become a trigger for me. It is 7:30pm. I woke up at 4:30 am unable to return to sleep. I canceled my cardiac rehab for the day. I haven't been out of bed except to get a water, ice cream sandwich and use the restroom. I did take a nap in between my episodes of crying. My mom came by to drop a gift off to me and I couldn't even go to the door. She left it on the porch. I don't have the mental energy to type anymore or go into detail about yesterday but I will say in all three situations that occurred, I had the best of intentions. I ended up very frustrated in all three cases. I was told I am entitled, mentally unstable, and dragging up the past. Maybe my BPD makes me come across as aggressive? Maybe I'm giving myself too much credit and I am a "Karen" as I was called? Maybe I'm a raging bitch? Maybe I'm just tired of dealing with raging bitches / assholes? I'm definitely tired of being falsely accused.
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